Yep, okay, now diabetes is starting to suck. Or rather, my body's reaction to insulin is starting to suck. I may have to start making some diet changes (don't wanna) or figuring out trickier ways of dosing to get the post-prandials that my doctors -- and I -- want to see (more likely).
I'm in the third trimester. (FREAK OUT, no wait, WOOHOO, no wait, FREAK OUT, no wait, I'm tired.) Here's how things are going for me on a typical day:
Fasting blood sugar: Today, it was 72. FINALLY. That's after a week of steadily raising my basal rate overnight. The rest of the week? It was anywhere from 170 (ouch) to 85.
Breakfast: Yogurt and a piece of fruit, usually about 40g carbs. My I:C ratio is 1:5 right now. That works great for post-prandials, but sends me low by 11:00am. Good thing 11:00 = lunchtime. I still have to have a small snack, though, or I'll be feeling jittery.
Lunch: Usually about 75g carbs. 1:7 for my insulin, but ditto the lows by late afternoon. I don't mind eating all day to fight off the lows, but I wish I didn't feel like I have to. Messing with my basal doesn't seem to help, and messing with the I:C ratio means I'll be high at 1.5 or 2 hours post.
Dinner: Trying to cut back on carbs here, because although my 1 or 2 hour numbers look great...those 3, 4, and 5 hours? Those suck. I'll be 85 at 2 hours and 160 at 3. Or 100 at 1 hour and 200 at 4. Or 47 at 1 hour and 60 at 2 hours and then 150 at 2 am. What the. Doesn't seem to matter if I eat low fat or high fat, so I'm guessing it's a basal issue (and of course overbolusing into a low never helps when it comes to rebound highs). I'm steadily raising the evening basal here, but I may need to start doing a temp basal of 120% or so after I eat to nip the highs hours later in the bud.
Overnight: Yeah, see dinner. I've gotten up at 1, 2, and 4 am on different days of the week to see what's going on...I'm around 100-140 overnight, which isn't acceptable.
My basal needs changed FAST, guys. And I feel like I'll have just gotten it figured out for a week and it'll change again, no doubt. Argh!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
You know you are pregnant when . . .
this news story makes you want to cry at work. :D
In diabetic news, my A1C drawn yesterday was a 5.6. This makes me feel a little better in light of the gruff tone my perinatologist took with me when I told him my fasting blood sugars have been running 90 - 110 recently. (I'm working on it.) "They should be 70 to 85!" Sigh. Darn those 10 - 30 points!
I think one of the hardest things so far in my pregnancy has been balancing my natural, pregnant-lady urge to eat, eat, eat constantly with the requirements of my disease. A neverending, niggling hunger is settled into the pit of my stomach. I haven't gained much weight at all so far, but I can't satisfy my desire for food without suffering some blood sugar consequences. Last night I had a 194 at 2 am, which was probably a rebound high caused by a 47 at 11 pm. The 47 was because I had a half cup of ice cream around 10 pm and overbolused big time. If I indulge my cravings I have to be super zealous about making sure everything comes out all right in the end . . . but it just can't be perfect all of the time. I understand that, but it doesn't stop the flood of MOMMY GUILT. I keep thinking...just 90 more days. This pregnancy isn't 100% about me, it's also about my baby, and I have to do right by him. Maybe I should just lock myself in a closet filled with celery and call it good until June.
In diabetic news, my A1C drawn yesterday was a 5.6. This makes me feel a little better in light of the gruff tone my perinatologist took with me when I told him my fasting blood sugars have been running 90 - 110 recently. (I'm working on it.) "They should be 70 to 85!" Sigh. Darn those 10 - 30 points!
I think one of the hardest things so far in my pregnancy has been balancing my natural, pregnant-lady urge to eat, eat, eat constantly with the requirements of my disease. A neverending, niggling hunger is settled into the pit of my stomach. I haven't gained much weight at all so far, but I can't satisfy my desire for food without suffering some blood sugar consequences. Last night I had a 194 at 2 am, which was probably a rebound high caused by a 47 at 11 pm. The 47 was because I had a half cup of ice cream around 10 pm and overbolused big time. If I indulge my cravings I have to be super zealous about making sure everything comes out all right in the end . . . but it just can't be perfect all of the time. I understand that, but it doesn't stop the flood of MOMMY GUILT. I keep thinking...just 90 more days. This pregnancy isn't 100% about me, it's also about my baby, and I have to do right by him. Maybe I should just lock myself in a closet filled with celery and call it good until June.
Friday, February 29, 2008
You are what you eat . . .
. . . and your unborn child is also what you eat. In my son's case, he is mostly composed of the following:
- Subway (6 inches on wheat of turkey or Italian BMT, tuna once a week)
- Baked Lays (sour cream & onion or BBQ)
- crackers with peanut butter, or crackers with cheese
- Quaker Oats granola bars (my favorite thing to treat lows)
- Juicy Juice (Comes in handy 15g boxes; grape or fruit punch flavor. What I drank at least 2 of each day in my first trimester to keep above 50 mg/dl at any random moment.)
- chocolate chip cookies (honesty, best policy)
- cheddar cheese and mustard sandwiches on Nature's Own low-carb wheat bread (yeah, sounds gross; tastes like the nectar of the gods)
- golden delicious apples
- Mediterranean chicken salads from Au Bon Pain
- Dannon light yogurt
- oatmeal
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Aunt Minnie and me.
I've read a couple of posts recently on two of my favorite diabetes-related blogs (Kerri's and Scott's) that made me want to bring up a topic that upset me pretty badly recently. Ready for the whine? GET YER CHEESE OUT!
The "etiquette" of testing your blood sugar.
Okay, I have to be up front and say that that sentence alone makes me want to snort in disgust. Ridiculosity abounds! My gut reaction as a Type I is that testing blood sugar doesn't fall into the realm of napkin-on-your-lap excuse-me-please societal rules. It's just something diabetics have to do or we die. End of story.
Buuuuuuttt...as most of us folks with diabetes know, the rest of the (diabetes-free) world may not identify with or understand that at all. Even if they SAY they understand it, they don't.
So I read about Kerri and Scott's trials and tribulations when it comes to actually getting the used strips in the trash can. I'm not pretending like I don't have the same problem - just emptied out my purse this morning and there were about 10 of the little boogers hanging out at the bottom. I find them on the floor of my bedroom, on the kitchen floor, in my shoes . . . the point is, a diabetic is going to leave some detritus around at some point no matter how vigilant or clean we try to be. Usually our diabetic trash involves blood. Yeah, the blood is often a minuscule amount, but it's still blood. The idea of coming into contact with blood, even SEEING blood, squicks out many a non-diabetic (and many a diabetic as well). So how to deal with the etiquette problem of testing your blood sugar/taking a shot/changing your pump site in public, or in mixed company of any sort, when it's sure to cause at least mild disgust for one or two witnesses?
This very subject came up on a thread last week at the popular Etiquette Hell forums. Most of the posters chiming in agreed that testing blood sugar or taking a shot at the dinner table was just not in good form, at all. ANY blood in public is unacceptable (but I guess that guy coughing into his sleeve over there is okay, he can't help it and he's doing his best to contain his mucus). I mean, guys, can't you go to the bathroom and do that gross stuff? Jeez. My Aunt Minnie faints if she sees blood. How come you aren't taking my Aunt Minnie into consideration when you start splashing blood around at the dinner table?
The diabetics on the thread said hey, we've gotta do this, we're pretty discrete about it, we try to be clean, we're not always able to test in private. Some apologized for not taking Aunt Minnie into consideration in the past; some said they tested in the car before going into the restaurant or tested in the bathroom stall to avoid making others feel uncomfortable.
I have to admit that although I respect that some/most people have a serious problem with blood, I was flabbergasted by the attitude shown by the non-diabetics and the apologetic diabetics (ha, rhyme!) We don't care if you have to do it: we don't want to see it. It's gross. It's rude. Your best efforts are not good enough, if I have to see it.
Here's what testing involves, in my world:
While I admit licking blood off of my fingers is pretty gross, I take umbrage with the opinion that taking a shot in the car before a meal is preferable to taking it at the table. There is no guarantee when eating out that food is going to arrive in time to cover that insulin I oh so politely dosed ahead of time. That just doesn't work in the real world - in my diabetic world, that is incredibly foolhardy. I also take offense that because I could possibly leave a red blood cell on the table, I should be testing in a toilet stall in a public restroom and introducing gosh-knows-how-many pathogens into my bloodstream. In both of these situations, I'd be putting myself into real, physical danger because of the possibility of offending someone else.
The risk of not testing, or of testing in a grossly inappropriate place, seems to me of much greater concern than the comfort or disgust level of the non-diabetics around me. And the practicality of dosing insulin or testing when I am absolutely alone or in a private place 100% of the time is close to nil.
Am I rude? Do I care too much about what other people think? Is a diabetic's used test strip on par with radioactive waste that the general public should be totally sicked out by? What do you guys think?
The "etiquette" of testing your blood sugar.
Okay, I have to be up front and say that that sentence alone makes me want to snort in disgust. Ridiculosity abounds! My gut reaction as a Type I is that testing blood sugar doesn't fall into the realm of napkin-on-your-lap excuse-me-please societal rules. It's just something diabetics have to do or we die. End of story.
Buuuuuuttt...as most of us folks with diabetes know, the rest of the (diabetes-free) world may not identify with or understand that at all. Even if they SAY they understand it, they don't.
So I read about Kerri and Scott's trials and tribulations when it comes to actually getting the used strips in the trash can. I'm not pretending like I don't have the same problem - just emptied out my purse this morning and there were about 10 of the little boogers hanging out at the bottom. I find them on the floor of my bedroom, on the kitchen floor, in my shoes . . . the point is, a diabetic is going to leave some detritus around at some point no matter how vigilant or clean we try to be. Usually our diabetic trash involves blood. Yeah, the blood is often a minuscule amount, but it's still blood. The idea of coming into contact with blood, even SEEING blood, squicks out many a non-diabetic (and many a diabetic as well). So how to deal with the etiquette problem of testing your blood sugar/taking a shot/changing your pump site in public, or in mixed company of any sort, when it's sure to cause at least mild disgust for one or two witnesses?
This very subject came up on a thread last week at the popular Etiquette Hell forums. Most of the posters chiming in agreed that testing blood sugar or taking a shot at the dinner table was just not in good form, at all. ANY blood in public is unacceptable (but I guess that guy coughing into his sleeve over there is okay, he can't help it and he's doing his best to contain his mucus). I mean, guys, can't you go to the bathroom and do that gross stuff? Jeez. My Aunt Minnie faints if she sees blood. How come you aren't taking my Aunt Minnie into consideration when you start splashing blood around at the dinner table?
The diabetics on the thread said hey, we've gotta do this, we're pretty discrete about it, we try to be clean, we're not always able to test in private. Some apologized for not taking Aunt Minnie into consideration in the past; some said they tested in the car before going into the restaurant or tested in the bathroom stall to avoid making others feel uncomfortable.
I have to admit that although I respect that some/most people have a serious problem with blood, I was flabbergasted by the attitude shown by the non-diabetics and the apologetic diabetics (ha, rhyme!) We don't care if you have to do it: we don't want to see it. It's gross. It's rude. Your best efforts are not good enough, if I have to see it.
Here's what testing involves, in my world:
- About ten tests a day. Before I eat, and after I eat. Whenever I feel "off," too.
- A lancet device, with a hidden needle to prick my skin.
- A small drop of blood, that I touch to a test strip immediately after it surfaces. (In other words, I'm not starting a catheter up or squirting blood across a wall a la cheap horror flick.)
- Disposing of any excess blood on a piece of tissue in my testing case, or, yes, in my mouth. YEAH, I'M A LICKER.
- Tossing the used strip into the trash, or keeping it in my case until I can get to the trash.
- Whole process takes about 10 seconds. I can do it my lap. 99% of the time, no one is the wiser.
While I admit licking blood off of my fingers is pretty gross, I take umbrage with the opinion that taking a shot in the car before a meal is preferable to taking it at the table. There is no guarantee when eating out that food is going to arrive in time to cover that insulin I oh so politely dosed ahead of time. That just doesn't work in the real world - in my diabetic world, that is incredibly foolhardy. I also take offense that because I could possibly leave a red blood cell on the table, I should be testing in a toilet stall in a public restroom and introducing gosh-knows-how-many pathogens into my bloodstream. In both of these situations, I'd be putting myself into real, physical danger because of the possibility of offending someone else.
The risk of not testing, or of testing in a grossly inappropriate place, seems to me of much greater concern than the comfort or disgust level of the non-diabetics around me. And the practicality of dosing insulin or testing when I am absolutely alone or in a private place 100% of the time is close to nil.
Am I rude? Do I care too much about what other people think? Is a diabetic's used test strip on par with radioactive waste that the general public should be totally sicked out by? What do you guys think?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
What's the point?
It's a boy! :) After a week chock full o' doctors appointments (endo on Monday, pediatric cardiologist on Wednesday, perinatologist this morning) the baby is looking fine and dandy. We've decided to name him Jason and the nursery is coming together nicely. I'm so excited . . . but at the same time I'm going through a strangely boring period of the pregnancy. I guess I'm not big enough to be super uncomfortable yet.
My blood sugars were less than great last week, but my endo cleared things up for me. I went in with a week's worth of charts and a list of suggested changes, all of which she agreed with - but I let her do the math. Now my I:C ratios have me staring in shock when the bolus wizard calculates a dose, but I was prepared for this by years of community participation at Diabetic Mommy. I'm down to 1:5 at breakfast and 1:7 the rest of the day - holy cow! She said to expect the insulin resistance to ramp up and up from this point on. In the meantime it feels REALLY strange to take 10 units of insulin for breakfast, when I usually take 2 . . . but I can't argue with the numbers this week. They've been awesome. My most recent A1C was 5.4, up from the 4.8 but still great in my opinion.
We had a fetal echo cardiogram performed to check for any defects in Jason's heart. The tech and the cardiologist both asked me why I was there with a quizzical look on their faces - and although my response of "I have Type I diabetes" seemed explanation enough, the doc still seemed a little nonplussed as to what the fuss was about. She said, "His heart looks perfect," and sent me on my way.
Today was a routine check-up at the high risk OB's. I'm going twice a month now (and at 32 weeks will go twice a week, ouch) . . . I had the gall to ask the doc what the purpose of the visit was, and she seemed a little put out and didn't answer me right away. "You are just checking up on things then, I guess?" I offered, and she said yes. Ooooohkay. So I take a two hour chunk out of my day to tell her things I could tell her over the phone in 2 minutes (how are my sugars, what is your A1C) - and she gave the baby only a cursory glance on the ultrasound screen. "Look, there is his heart beating." Yeah lady, I know, I stared at his heart beating for 35 minutes yesterday. I could've told her he was still alive as he was kicking me at that very moment, and she didn't take the time to see if there was anything else to note besides his heart.
So, I'm trying to take away what is important and what isn't from my first experience as a pregnant Type I. I think the AFP and nuchal translucency tests are worthwhile. I think the echo cardiogram was worth it, kinda, although after getting an all clear at my Level II ultrasound it did seem redundant. I'm not sure that I will be running to a high risk practice with my second child, though - I feel like my doctors are honestly bored with me and don't spend very much time with me at all, even though this is my first pregnancy. They look, they see nothing to alarm them, and they shoo me out of the door. Next time I may try to go with a single OB - and let him/her refer me to a peri as needed.
I'm very relieved that thus far my diabetes hasn't had an impact on Jason, but I am a little disenchanted with the high risk fuss. I'm pouring out a lot of money in copays on people that ask me why I'm there (shouldn't they know?), or expect a lot out of me (do this do that wait an hour to be seen by me just to have me ask what's your A1C), but don't give a heck of a lot back (okay well, we're done here, bye).
My blood sugars were less than great last week, but my endo cleared things up for me. I went in with a week's worth of charts and a list of suggested changes, all of which she agreed with - but I let her do the math. Now my I:C ratios have me staring in shock when the bolus wizard calculates a dose, but I was prepared for this by years of community participation at Diabetic Mommy. I'm down to 1:5 at breakfast and 1:7 the rest of the day - holy cow! She said to expect the insulin resistance to ramp up and up from this point on. In the meantime it feels REALLY strange to take 10 units of insulin for breakfast, when I usually take 2 . . . but I can't argue with the numbers this week. They've been awesome. My most recent A1C was 5.4, up from the 4.8 but still great in my opinion.
We had a fetal echo cardiogram performed to check for any defects in Jason's heart. The tech and the cardiologist both asked me why I was there with a quizzical look on their faces - and although my response of "I have Type I diabetes" seemed explanation enough, the doc still seemed a little nonplussed as to what the fuss was about. She said, "His heart looks perfect," and sent me on my way.
Today was a routine check-up at the high risk OB's. I'm going twice a month now (and at 32 weeks will go twice a week, ouch) . . . I had the gall to ask the doc what the purpose of the visit was, and she seemed a little put out and didn't answer me right away. "You are just checking up on things then, I guess?" I offered, and she said yes. Ooooohkay. So I take a two hour chunk out of my day to tell her things I could tell her over the phone in 2 minutes (how are my sugars, what is your A1C) - and she gave the baby only a cursory glance on the ultrasound screen. "Look, there is his heart beating." Yeah lady, I know, I stared at his heart beating for 35 minutes yesterday. I could've told her he was still alive as he was kicking me at that very moment, and she didn't take the time to see if there was anything else to note besides his heart.
So, I'm trying to take away what is important and what isn't from my first experience as a pregnant Type I. I think the AFP and nuchal translucency tests are worthwhile. I think the echo cardiogram was worth it, kinda, although after getting an all clear at my Level II ultrasound it did seem redundant. I'm not sure that I will be running to a high risk practice with my second child, though - I feel like my doctors are honestly bored with me and don't spend very much time with me at all, even though this is my first pregnancy. They look, they see nothing to alarm them, and they shoo me out of the door. Next time I may try to go with a single OB - and let him/her refer me to a peri as needed.
I'm very relieved that thus far my diabetes hasn't had an impact on Jason, but I am a little disenchanted with the high risk fuss. I'm pouring out a lot of money in copays on people that ask me why I'm there (shouldn't they know?), or expect a lot out of me (do this do that wait an hour to be seen by me just to have me ask what's your A1C), but don't give a heck of a lot back (okay well, we're done here, bye).
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Back and babbling on as usual!
So, a long overdue update. Why haven't I been here?
Welp, I found out that I was pregnant about a month after I made this post. October 12, 2007, to be exact. According to my perinatologist, I am 20 weeks pregnant today. Due date June 17, 2007. It only took us two months of active trying, and trust me, we're still shocked. (Happy! But totally flabbergasted.) I stepped back from the blog because it was accessible by people at work, and I didn't end up telling my manager until about a month ago. Now that the Ricola man has practically yodeled my pregnancy from the mountaintops, I feel it's safe to blab on the blog again ;)
I should probably make a post about how hard it has been to be diabetic and pregnant, but the truth is I haven't experienced serious insulin resistance yet. I did have some Fun With LowsTM during the first trimester; enough fun that I joked about hooking up to a juice box as well as my pump. This past week has brought a few changes and challenges, but so far it hasn't been anything that's made me want to tear my hair out. As an example, if anything I have upped my carb intake and my last A1C, drawn on the 14th, was a 4.5. That is just utterly and completely whack. I've heard it said that A1C measurements are not as reliable during pregnancy (if they are ever reliable in the first place), but the fact that I'm a whole 2 points lower than when I first conceived is remarkable to me. I would have been happy to be in the 6s throughout my pregnancy. I don't feel like my efforts have been Herculean, and for that I'm thankful - I hope my baby is still reaping the benefits of lower numbers. I test about 10 times a day, and I catch at least one high and one low per day. Most of these highs have been easy and quick to get down, but of course I'm already experiencing mommy guilt about the ones that weren't so easy.
The mommy guilt. That's what I really wanted to write about. I read a comment on diabetesmine.com today that made me so angry. Angry enough to rehash in tedious detail on my own blog! I wasn't angry at the commenter, but I was immediately on the defensive at the idea her comment suggested, at the possibilities it raised.
The commenter said that she would be happy to see the Type I gene disappear, and that she intended to adopt her children rather than pass on her genes. (She has an immediate family member with Type I as well as herself.)
My first reaction is that that's a very noble choice to make, if you are able and willing to adopt. I'm not just talking financial resources, although that's probably #1 for most people - but y'know China won't allow Type I diabetics to adopt even if they are willing. That thought tied into what really irks me about not passing on "the Type I gene." It's that there's this assumption of inferiority. And since Type Is are inferior, we should not raise children. We certainly shouldn't be reproducing, passing on our inferior genes. Hey, maybe diabetics should be prevented from having kids, full stop. And while we're at it, throw in all those folks with cystic fibrosis or autism or whatever particular flavor of the week we feel like eliminating. Why spend all that money on a cure when we could just have a little eugenics party?
That belief terrifies me and pulls up a bunch of yammering Big Brothers in my mind. GATTACA, anyone?
I think my bottom line is that I would rather my child live with diabetes than live a in world that resembles Winston Smith's or Vincent Freeman's; a world where the privilege of having children and a full, happy life is extended only to those with valid, or superior, genes . . . a world where there's a Big Brother deciding what valid is and what's best for each individual.
Would I have made the choice to get pregnant if I had a strong family history of diabetes? (I am the only person in my family with an autoimmune disease - and I'm extending that statement out to cousins, aunts, uncles. I do have a family history of heart disease, and to a lesser extent, cancer.) I don't know where I draw my lines, but as someone living with diabetes I still don't feel that I have the right to pass judgment on the reproductive choices of others. Maybe my mind is making some sort of arbitrary categorization of diseases. "Well, if I had that disease, I wouldn't have kids. But for diabetes it's okay." Is that because I have diabetes? Is it because that disease is so much worse, or more deadly, or more painful?
My gut says it's because it doesn't make sense to live in fear of diabetes. Yes, the world would be a better place without diabetes - but I don't think diabetes is going to disappear because diabetics stop having children. Scary genetic mishaps are in all of us, diabetic or not, and genetic mishaps are not the sole cause of diabetes. Diabetes does have a genetic component; for some this is more true than others. But me, with my random lightning bolt on an otherwise sunny day . . . why should I allow that one event to control my life any more than it already has?
That could be interpreted as me being hellaciously selfish. I can't apologize if you see it that way; my baby is healthy, today, as am I. I'm enjoying the rest of my sunny day, and I hope that others also seize the opportunity to enjoy theirs. I know that life is a privilege and not a right, but I don't feel that the privilege given to me should be cut down to an acceptable shape by a someone else's labels and levels and judgments of what is or is not good enough.
I promise the rest of my pregnancy posts won't be as dark or muddled. (Well, they will probably still be muddled.) I am very happy with my life right now; new home, new baby on the way. Tons and tons and TONS of stuff rattling around in my mind about the future, from paint colors to cribs to more nebulous events and concepts like impending birth and motherhood. Can't wait for any of it!
Level II ultrasound is tomorrow. Send an urge to flash to my child, if you would be so kind :D
Welp, I found out that I was pregnant about a month after I made this post. October 12, 2007, to be exact. According to my perinatologist, I am 20 weeks pregnant today. Due date June 17, 2007. It only took us two months of active trying, and trust me, we're still shocked. (Happy! But totally flabbergasted.) I stepped back from the blog because it was accessible by people at work, and I didn't end up telling my manager until about a month ago. Now that the Ricola man has practically yodeled my pregnancy from the mountaintops, I feel it's safe to blab on the blog again ;)
I should probably make a post about how hard it has been to be diabetic and pregnant, but the truth is I haven't experienced serious insulin resistance yet. I did have some Fun With LowsTM during the first trimester; enough fun that I joked about hooking up to a juice box as well as my pump. This past week has brought a few changes and challenges, but so far it hasn't been anything that's made me want to tear my hair out. As an example, if anything I have upped my carb intake and my last A1C, drawn on the 14th, was a 4.5. That is just utterly and completely whack. I've heard it said that A1C measurements are not as reliable during pregnancy (if they are ever reliable in the first place), but the fact that I'm a whole 2 points lower than when I first conceived is remarkable to me. I would have been happy to be in the 6s throughout my pregnancy. I don't feel like my efforts have been Herculean, and for that I'm thankful - I hope my baby is still reaping the benefits of lower numbers. I test about 10 times a day, and I catch at least one high and one low per day. Most of these highs have been easy and quick to get down, but of course I'm already experiencing mommy guilt about the ones that weren't so easy.
The mommy guilt. That's what I really wanted to write about. I read a comment on diabetesmine.com today that made me so angry. Angry enough to rehash in tedious detail on my own blog! I wasn't angry at the commenter, but I was immediately on the defensive at the idea her comment suggested, at the possibilities it raised.
The commenter said that she would be happy to see the Type I gene disappear, and that she intended to adopt her children rather than pass on her genes. (She has an immediate family member with Type I as well as herself.)
My first reaction is that that's a very noble choice to make, if you are able and willing to adopt. I'm not just talking financial resources, although that's probably #1 for most people - but y'know China won't allow Type I diabetics to adopt even if they are willing. That thought tied into what really irks me about not passing on "the Type I gene." It's that there's this assumption of inferiority. And since Type Is are inferior, we should not raise children. We certainly shouldn't be reproducing, passing on our inferior genes. Hey, maybe diabetics should be prevented from having kids, full stop. And while we're at it, throw in all those folks with cystic fibrosis or autism or whatever particular flavor of the week we feel like eliminating. Why spend all that money on a cure when we could just have a little eugenics party?
That belief terrifies me and pulls up a bunch of yammering Big Brothers in my mind. GATTACA, anyone?
I think my bottom line is that I would rather my child live with diabetes than live a in world that resembles Winston Smith's or Vincent Freeman's; a world where the privilege of having children and a full, happy life is extended only to those with valid, or superior, genes . . . a world where there's a Big Brother deciding what valid is and what's best for each individual.
Would I have made the choice to get pregnant if I had a strong family history of diabetes? (I am the only person in my family with an autoimmune disease - and I'm extending that statement out to cousins, aunts, uncles. I do have a family history of heart disease, and to a lesser extent, cancer.) I don't know where I draw my lines, but as someone living with diabetes I still don't feel that I have the right to pass judgment on the reproductive choices of others. Maybe my mind is making some sort of arbitrary categorization of diseases. "Well, if I had that disease, I wouldn't have kids. But for diabetes it's okay." Is that because I have diabetes? Is it because that disease is so much worse, or more deadly, or more painful?
My gut says it's because it doesn't make sense to live in fear of diabetes. Yes, the world would be a better place without diabetes - but I don't think diabetes is going to disappear because diabetics stop having children. Scary genetic mishaps are in all of us, diabetic or not, and genetic mishaps are not the sole cause of diabetes. Diabetes does have a genetic component; for some this is more true than others. But me, with my random lightning bolt on an otherwise sunny day . . . why should I allow that one event to control my life any more than it already has?
That could be interpreted as me being hellaciously selfish. I can't apologize if you see it that way; my baby is healthy, today, as am I. I'm enjoying the rest of my sunny day, and I hope that others also seize the opportunity to enjoy theirs. I know that life is a privilege and not a right, but I don't feel that the privilege given to me should be cut down to an acceptable shape by a someone else's labels and levels and judgments of what is or is not good enough.
I promise the rest of my pregnancy posts won't be as dark or muddled. (Well, they will probably still be muddled.) I am very happy with my life right now; new home, new baby on the way. Tons and tons and TONS of stuff rattling around in my mind about the future, from paint colors to cribs to more nebulous events and concepts like impending birth and motherhood. Can't wait for any of it!
Level II ultrasound is tomorrow. Send an urge to flash to my child, if you would be so kind :D
Monday, December 17, 2007
You know I'm not dead!
I am still here...on blogging hiatus...hopefully not for too much longer. Miss blathering on for ages.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Diabetes in the office
It's been our busy season at work, so teh blog is getting ignored big time...but I did want to record the fact that I just met another person with diabetes in my office. He's a building operations manager - ie, runs around like crazy all the time. I went into the pantry to fill up my water bottle and I heard him discussing control solution with someone else.
I couldn't help myself so I interrupted (mostly to admit I haven't used control solution for ohh...5 years or so). He's Type II and is an older gentleman, so how we control our diabetes is very different (and I believe our understanding of the disease is different also - he's dead set on following this 2000 calorie diet, not so much on counting carbohydrates). Still so cool to meet someone else who deals with the big "D" on a daily basis.
Okay, back to the grind. Almost...over...I think...gasp...choke...
I couldn't help myself so I interrupted (mostly to admit I haven't used control solution for ohh...5 years or so). He's Type II and is an older gentleman, so how we control our diabetes is very different (and I believe our understanding of the disease is different also - he's dead set on following this 2000 calorie diet, not so much on counting carbohydrates). Still so cool to meet someone else who deals with the big "D" on a daily basis.
Okay, back to the grind. Almost...over...I think...gasp...choke...
Friday, September 21, 2007
Lovely.
Complaining post 31,875:
So today I was being "trained" (ie, subjected to a long diatribe about something or other that I would learn better by doing rather than watching and half-catching everything the trainer was saying at warp speed). My brain decided to remember at that moment that I needed to change my site - and sho' 'nuff, I was out of insulin! I excused myself from the group quietly and dashed over to my desk.
I was rushing so as not to miss anything important. The site was in, all was well, and I turned to go. Somehow, my fingers got caught in the pump tubing....YANK. That site came out so easy it wasn't even funny! Guess the adhesive really needs time to start sticking. So, rushing again (because I learn from my mistakes, y'know) I put in another site pretty close to the old one. The adhesive on the second site covers the blood welling up from the previous site.
I go back to the training and think I'm good until I realize that there is blood seeping through the adhesive and onto my - of course - white shirt.
BLEEEHHHH.
Moral of the story: Always, always pack two site changin' sets in your purse. Cos if I hadn't today, I would've been up the poop creek paddleless.
So today I was being "trained" (ie, subjected to a long diatribe about something or other that I would learn better by doing rather than watching and half-catching everything the trainer was saying at warp speed). My brain decided to remember at that moment that I needed to change my site - and sho' 'nuff, I was out of insulin! I excused myself from the group quietly and dashed over to my desk.
I was rushing so as not to miss anything important. The site was in, all was well, and I turned to go. Somehow, my fingers got caught in the pump tubing....YANK. That site came out so easy it wasn't even funny! Guess the adhesive really needs time to start sticking. So, rushing again (because I learn from my mistakes, y'know) I put in another site pretty close to the old one. The adhesive on the second site covers the blood welling up from the previous site.
I go back to the training and think I'm good until I realize that there is blood seeping through the adhesive and onto my - of course - white shirt.
BLEEEHHHH.
Moral of the story: Always, always pack two site changin' sets in your purse. Cos if I hadn't today, I would've been up the poop creek paddleless.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Food scales are cool, and other stuff.
So today I finally set up my shiny new Salter food scale (it's thisaone) after the constant nagging of my darling husband finally broke my "ehh I don't really NEED that" spirit. It was a gift to commemorate our matrimony so I guess maybe he was personally offended that I wasn't busting into it yet.
The truth is that I'm kind of drag-assy about learning new ways to deal with my diabetes. If it's not baroque, don't fix it, amirite? Actually, am just lazy.
So I opened it, and . . . IT IS SO FREAKING COOL, YOU GUYS. Okay, assuming that it actually *works* (because I haven't yet bolused according to its wisdom). But still.
I put an apple on the scale - something I would guesstimate at 30g, give or take. The scale says "25.1g" next to the carbohydrates section. NEAT!
I put a banana on the scale - something I would guesstimate at 40g, give or take. The scale says 37.7g. NEAT! Oh, and "LO" on the glycemic index as well.
I put an entire honeybear on the scale and made Will do the math. "Ummm, I think about 270g." Scale says 300.1g. NEAT! (Oh, and "HI" on the GI. Dur.)
So anyways there's my food scale, and I guess I'll be using it when I'm at home. I haven't figured out how to do more complicated foods such as, say, a taco . . . but even for fruit and unpackaged evils of that nature it's a nifty little machine.
Other stuff...uhhhhmmmmmm. I'm having some sort of existential crisis over here. I don't know, I'm not gonna whine about it because then I just solidify my patheticness for all of the internet to read about and LAWD KNOWS the internet has enough emo to go around. I suppose I still am just unhappy at work and I should really do something about that BUT guess what is more interesting than that will ever, ever, ever be?
BABIES BABIES BABIEESSS. I promise not to become a "mommy blog" or whatever (even though I secretly love mommy blogs), and at any rate I'm not even a mommy yet so I can't. But we are y'know, doing that thing that everyone in high school warned me about. The funny part is I'm not instantly 9 months pregnant and lurching to my Algebra I class. Nope. Turns out that in real life it's a little more complicated. I'll keep you posted, internet. In the meantime, keep practicing putting the condom on the banana.
Also, looking at real estate in the area. Why, Northern VA? Why? Why must you do dis to me, Dimmeh? Do I really want to buy a crapped up piece of crap for 500,000+ and call that a steal, and then subject ourselves to thousands of dollars in renovations? Or should we shell out megabux for a brand new (relatively) townhouse, subjecting ourselves to years of guilt every time we let the dog and the kid out to wander the wild outdoors (a 2x2 piece of "yard")?
Opinions? Hints? Stock options?
The truth is that I'm kind of drag-assy about learning new ways to deal with my diabetes. If it's not baroque, don't fix it, amirite? Actually, am just lazy.
So I opened it, and . . . IT IS SO FREAKING COOL, YOU GUYS. Okay, assuming that it actually *works* (because I haven't yet bolused according to its wisdom). But still.
I put an apple on the scale - something I would guesstimate at 30g, give or take. The scale says "25.1g" next to the carbohydrates section. NEAT!
I put a banana on the scale - something I would guesstimate at 40g, give or take. The scale says 37.7g. NEAT! Oh, and "LO" on the glycemic index as well.
I put an entire honeybear on the scale and made Will do the math. "Ummm, I think about 270g." Scale says 300.1g. NEAT! (Oh, and "HI" on the GI. Dur.)
So anyways there's my food scale, and I guess I'll be using it when I'm at home. I haven't figured out how to do more complicated foods such as, say, a taco . . . but even for fruit and unpackaged evils of that nature it's a nifty little machine.
Other stuff...uhhhhmmmmmm. I'm having some sort of existential crisis over here. I don't know, I'm not gonna whine about it because then I just solidify my patheticness for all of the internet to read about and LAWD KNOWS the internet has enough emo to go around. I suppose I still am just unhappy at work and I should really do something about that BUT guess what is more interesting than that will ever, ever, ever be?
BABIES BABIES BABIEESSS. I promise not to become a "mommy blog" or whatever (even though I secretly love mommy blogs), and at any rate I'm not even a mommy yet so I can't. But we are y'know, doing that thing that everyone in high school warned me about. The funny part is I'm not instantly 9 months pregnant and lurching to my Algebra I class. Nope. Turns out that in real life it's a little more complicated. I'll keep you posted, internet. In the meantime, keep practicing putting the condom on the banana.
Also, looking at real estate in the area. Why, Northern VA? Why? Why must you do dis to me, Dimmeh? Do I really want to buy a crapped up piece of crap for 500,000+ and call that a steal, and then subject ourselves to thousands of dollars in renovations? Or should we shell out megabux for a brand new (relatively) townhouse, subjecting ourselves to years of guilt every time we let the dog and the kid out to wander the wild outdoors (a 2x2 piece of "yard")?
Opinions? Hints? Stock options?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Justa grumble.
At work.
Just ran out of test strips.
Am worst diabetic ever.
Two hours to go.
Readings today: 70, 260 (DAMN YOU BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!!! DAMN YOUUUUU!), 190, haha dumbass, you're all out of test strips.
Lessons learned: Seriously Kendra, you can't eat muffins. Or scones. Or danishes. Any breakfast pastry you see is cackling in sweet, merciless glee at your attempts to bolus for its sinful carb count. Just back away from the doughnut lady, and no one gets hurt.
Just ran out of test strips.
Am worst diabetic ever.
Two hours to go.
Readings today: 70, 260 (DAMN YOU BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!!! DAMN YOUUUUU!), 190, haha dumbass, you're all out of test strips.
Lessons learned: Seriously Kendra, you can't eat muffins. Or scones. Or danishes. Any breakfast pastry you see is cackling in sweet, merciless glee at your attempts to bolus for its sinful carb count. Just back away from the doughnut lady, and no one gets hurt.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Chronic Illness, as told by the spoons
G'wan and read The Spoon Theory.
I don't have lupus, but this rang true for me in many ways. Great analogy...I'm going to have to tell someone to be thankful I'm spending a spoon on them next time they get all up in mah grill.
I don't have lupus, but this rang true for me in many ways. Great analogy...I'm going to have to tell someone to be thankful I'm spending a spoon on them next time they get all up in mah grill.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Everyone else was doing it.
I've taken around 5 or 10 Myers Briggs online tests (and despite having a doctor of psychology for a mother, I've never been given an actual, real life test). Anyway, I always end up ISFJ.
And it always irks the crapola out of me that the first job is "Accountant." NOOOOOOOOOO, is this REALLY what I'm meant to do? "Librarian" sounds pretty cool though. Libraries smell so damn good. Books = friends.
Thanks for the diversion, Kerri and Julia.
And it always irks the crapola out of me that the first job is "Accountant." NOOOOOOOOOO, is this REALLY what I'm meant to do? "Librarian" sounds pretty cool though. Libraries smell so damn good. Books = friends.
Thanks for the diversion, Kerri and Julia.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Weird diabetic food concoction #682
Ingredients:
Taste? Meh.
But c'mon, if a Virginia girl can't have her sweet tea in the summer . . . is life even worth living anymore?
- 1 unsweetened tea from Subway drink machine
- 2 packets Splenda
Taste? Meh.
But c'mon, if a Virginia girl can't have her sweet tea in the summer . . . is life even worth living anymore?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungrrrrreeeee
eeeeeeeeee!
I am subsisting on one damn piece of ricotta cheese pie (YES leftovers from the party WHEN will they all be digested, NO ONE knows). The ricotta cheese pie that earlier graced me with the 272.
Since then:
242 (11:30am)
210 (1:06pm)
So, pump appears to be working. Feeeebly working. But no lunch for me. Nope! Refuse! I should probably stop being squirrely and just break out the syringe but ah...nope, refuse again. My boss thinks I took a lunch break; in reality I took a blog break, and a cup-o-water break. And my stomach is grumbling.
Hey, did I remember to mention The Smashing Pumpkins? Like, I totally saw them at the 9:30 club on 7/10/07 and they like totally rocked. I shook Billy Corgan's hand, and as I was shaking it I realized I had offered him my BAND-AID HAND. The day before, I had given myself a lovely paper cut with the side of a plastic binder (mmmmm..so really, a plasti-cut). It gapped open deep enough that I swore I could see the Mines of Moria, so I band-aided the sucker. Unfortunately, the humidity in the city (whoa rhyme) caused the band-aid to get a little flaky before the band arrived. So, Billy Corgan shook my grody peeling-offy band-aid hand. Sorry, Crog, it's only a paper cut I swear.
This was seconds after I contaminated him:
Yes, I am somewhere in that photo...and no, I am not the bald guy. If I was the bald guy, I would say eff this crap and just buy a new pancreas for myself on a periodic basis.
And I would also cry a lot and beg James Iha to come baaaack, pleeease come baaaack to meeee....because damn it musta been fun to look at that guy all day long.
By la way, someone requested wedding pics. Here's a link to a few. Don't make fun of my armpit fat, I slouch and I know it.
I am subsisting on one damn piece of ricotta cheese pie (YES leftovers from the party WHEN will they all be digested, NO ONE knows). The ricotta cheese pie that earlier graced me with the 272.
Since then:
242 (11:30am)
210 (1:06pm)
So, pump appears to be working. Feeeebly working. But no lunch for me. Nope! Refuse! I should probably stop being squirrely and just break out the syringe but ah...nope, refuse again. My boss thinks I took a lunch break; in reality I took a blog break, and a cup-o-water break. And my stomach is grumbling.
Hey, did I remember to mention The Smashing Pumpkins? Like, I totally saw them at the 9:30 club on 7/10/07 and they like totally rocked. I shook Billy Corgan's hand, and as I was shaking it I realized I had offered him my BAND-AID HAND. The day before, I had given myself a lovely paper cut with the side of a plastic binder (mmmmm..so really, a plasti-cut). It gapped open deep enough that I swore I could see the Mines of Moria, so I band-aided the sucker. Unfortunately, the humidity in the city (whoa rhyme) caused the band-aid to get a little flaky before the band arrived. So, Billy Corgan shook my grody peeling-offy band-aid hand. Sorry, Crog, it's only a paper cut I swear.
This was seconds after I contaminated him:
Yes, I am somewhere in that photo...and no, I am not the bald guy. If I was the bald guy, I would say eff this crap and just buy a new pancreas for myself on a periodic basis.
And I would also cry a lot and beg James Iha to come baaaack, pleeease come baaaack to meeee....because damn it musta been fun to look at that guy all day long.
By la way, someone requested wedding pics. Here's a link to a few. Don't make fun of my armpit fat, I slouch and I know it.
What in the f*#@ing f!%k?
272?!
Buzzy head - check.
Yawning approx. every 2 seconds? - check.
Site change last night before I went to bed, coupled with a 184 fasting? - check.
FORGOT TO PACK PUMP SUPPLIES IN MY PURSE TODAY? - check.
If this doesn't turn around by 1pm or so, looks like I'll be riding the syringe train...
Buzzy head - check.
Yawning approx. every 2 seconds? - check.
Site change last night before I went to bed, coupled with a 184 fasting? - check.
FORGOT TO PACK PUMP SUPPLIES IN MY PURSE TODAY? - check.
If this doesn't turn around by 1pm or so, looks like I'll be riding the syringe train...
Monday, August 13, 2007
twennysomethin pt two
So what was I rambling about earlier? I guess the main point of this post is: when am I finally going to figure out what in the hell I'm doing? I feel like my life, while comfortable, is puncutated by moments of sheer panic or overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. Those pangs of "WHAT IS GOING ON, SERIOUSLY GUYS" that hit around 11:43pm. When am I going to be an adult? When I am going to be able to swagger around like that dude in my office with the expensive watch?
Here are the marbles marbling around in my cranium these days:
Here are the marbles marbling around in my cranium these days:
- Homeownering. Seriously DC and NoVa, what is up with the price of real estate. Since when was ANYTHING made in 1952 worth $674,500? Puuhhhleez. Unless maybe the price is high because the house is now considered an antique? Ahhh, I get it. And this is the "buyer's market" they say! I know urban sprawl is horrible, but is it really too much to ask to have my own plot of grass? I just want my kid to grow up with some green. That doesn't mean I want my morning commute to be 2 hours, either.
- Speaking of the kid. YES, we absolutely want children. YES, we are looking forward to being parents. YES, I know that it won't be all roses. YES, I realize that I have not a damn clue about how hard and stressful being a parent is going to be . . . er, wait, do I really want to do this? (Let's not even get into the whole 'the human race is horrible' 'the world is going down the drain, why would you bring a child into it' lamentations!) The thought of being childless is even more daunting than the thought of having a child, but what if I'm one of those boring saps who's going to end up having my identity completely swallowed by the creature that erupts from my uterus?
- . . . and on the subject of self-identity. Dude, what in the hell am I doing. How do I define myself? If it's by one's career, I'm on the slippery slope to effing that one up. In no way do I want to associate the majority of my being with the company I currently work for, or the position I'm currently in. I'd be much happier if, when asked what I do, I could say "I'm a dog walker." Or maybe . . . "That person in the park with the stabby thing picking up paper bits." I think that says a lot, don't you? Why am I HERE when I know I want to be anywhere else? Problem is, I really don't know where anywhere else is either. When I was little I wanted to be a vet. When I was 17 I realized that would involve more than 4 years of school and broken cat jawbones and I begged off. When I was 18 I wanted to be a novelist, and then realized that most likely I'd end up a bitter, starving artist. That and there's roughly 20 or 30 million people who are more talented than I am, and my ego quakes at the thought of not being awesome.
When someone asks me what my 5 or 10 year career goals are (yes, senior manager, I'm looking at you), I can feel the blank stare expression settling over my features. I can firmly see my children, and maybe a cat or something, but as for the rest of me? Not an iota of a clue. I'll probably gain y'know, 50 pounds or so, but beyond my fattening ass it's all smoke and mirrors!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Manageability
So my new boss just rushed out of the office with a stricken look on her face. Her 20-something stepdaughter has some sort of nebulous autoimmune disease that causes her to have seizures on a semi-regular basis, and today she woke up slurring her speech...they think she made have had a stroke.
I don't know much about autoimmune diseases outside of my own, but my impression is that her stepdaughter's disease is its own animal and the symptoms are hard to prevent or treat. It's lupus-like, but it's not lupus...and it came out of nowhere a few years ago. That coming out of nowhere part sounds familiar, but the not knowing what you're dealing with part FREAKS ME OUT and makes me have that weird sensation of being...glad? relieved?...that I have diabetes. At least diabetes is (relatively) straightforward enough that I can help myself. At least it's common enough that doctors have some idea of how to help me. I can live, and live well, with this disease 99.9% of the time. Yeah, that other .1% is horrid, but on the whole I would describe diabetes as manageable. I know I forget to be thankful for that! The thought of staring into the yawning black hole of the unknown and being helpless is terrifying...
I don't know much about autoimmune diseases outside of my own, but my impression is that her stepdaughter's disease is its own animal and the symptoms are hard to prevent or treat. It's lupus-like, but it's not lupus...and it came out of nowhere a few years ago. That coming out of nowhere part sounds familiar, but the not knowing what you're dealing with part FREAKS ME OUT and makes me have that weird sensation of being...glad? relieved?...that I have diabetes. At least diabetes is (relatively) straightforward enough that I can help myself. At least it's common enough that doctors have some idea of how to help me. I can live, and live well, with this disease 99.9% of the time. Yeah, that other .1% is horrid, but on the whole I would describe diabetes as manageable. I know I forget to be thankful for that! The thought of staring into the yawning black hole of the unknown and being helpless is terrifying...
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Long time no blog
I wonder how many times that's come up as a blog entry title in the history of blogger.com. Oh well, I never pretended to be original anyways. Far too exhausting to be unique when it's 110F outside (and NO, I don't live in Phoenix! What gives?!)
So what's been up with me, non-diabetically...and how it affected me diabetically:
So what's been up with me, non-diabetically...and how it affected me diabetically:
- Marriage celebration! Miraculously I survived a barrage of Australians, my in-laws, and my mother's collection of roughly 20 varieties of homemade cookies, at least three cheesecakes, three ricotta pies, candies, and a wedding cake (and that's the very brief overview of what she made for the reception). All of the leftovers are sitting in my fridge now, but I didn't actually eat all that much on the day...at any rate, my blood sugars stayed steady and unremarkable from the beginning of July to the very end, although I had a slight paranoid moment before the ceremony where I thought I was low. I wasn't! Hurrah :) Now I just have to figure out how to finish the cake in my fridge without going into a coma.
- Canada! Two nights in Montreal (poutine = not as bad as you think), one night in Toronto (very. tall. buildings.), and one night in Niagara at a B&B (Canadian Vegas indeed). My blood sugars were great in Canada, except for the worst low experience of my life on the 2nd night in Montreal. There just aren't that many carbs in a squash soup, Kendra. One overbolus led to a 40-something that persisted for over an hour and a half. I felt like I was going to pass out, or seize, or something very bad...but I didn't. Needless to say I hope I never feel that awful again. I woke up at 3:30am with a 415. Thank you liver, but you're a little late.
- New job! Well, new position, same company. I have - no idea - what I'm doing (yet) but at least I get to do it from 9:00am to 5:00pm, at the same address every day. That may sound boring to you, but I'm thrilled. And hopefully I can get up to speed soon enough. Anyone know what OID, REMICs, and negative amortization are? A duurrrrr... :D Diabetes-wise, this should be a piece of cake compared to the old job...except apparently every Friday is "bagel day." Uh oh.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
twennysomethin
Is it possible to have a breakdown in your 20's? Mid-life crisis, except not in the middle of your life? I think that so far, my 20's have been far more trying and terrifying and exciting than my teens. And I can't imagine being more confused in my 40's (please god no...if I'm still THIS befuddled in 25 years, put me out of my misery).
More on this later. No worries, I'm not depressed. ":D" <-- See?
More on this later. No worries, I'm not depressed. ":D" <-- See?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Vicious streak
So I went to Bonnaroo last week . . . let me be up front: NOT MY SCENE. However, I really wanted to see some of the bands (Tool, The Police, Fountains of Wayne, Franz Ferdinand) and my husband's friend was in from Sydney and was dying to go. It felt just a bit too stick-in-the-muddish to say "Nah guys, I'll sit this one out." I also hate whining about how much unfun it's going to be to worry about diabetes in a hot, sweaty camping situation for four days. What am I, 75?
As it turned out, my diabetes was surprisingly well behaved. Yes, I had a few lows, but the highs were nearly nonexistant despite me tossing back frozen lemonade, pizza, pretzels, beer, and ice cream. I joked to my husband that I should walk around all day for the rest of my life - I was about 80, constantly. Amazing! (Incidentally, as soon as I returned to work this week - on travel - I began spiking to high 200's and 300's...seriously peeved here, but working on it.)
I took myself by surprise, though. I've posted before about being sick "for real" and how it annoys me and makes me feel seriously put upon. I guess I feel like since I have diabetes, a seriously scary PITA, I should be exempt from the myriad of other petty human ailments (or even the not-so-petty ones). The feeling's irrational and self-pitying, but it's there.
On the last day I'd be at the festival, this past Saturday, I got up as normal and was sitting outside of the tent reading a book. Enjoying the weather before it got too hot. I was sunning my feet and generally enjoying not thinking about much of anything. The boys got up and we headed to the main festival grounds for some grub. While walking there, I noticed that the insides of my ankles and lower calves were turning seriously red, and getting itchy. I thought back to anything I might have gotten into that could cause this, even though I've never been the type to have sensitive skin / get rashes. Putting my feet in the grass last night? Nah.
I stopped by the medic tent and was diagnosed with a case of heat rash. They gave me some sort of anti-itch balm. Okay cool, I can deal with this. I smeared the stuff on and rejoined my pals. Twenty minutes later, the itch turned into a "IT BUUUURRRRNNNNNSSSS!" sensation anytime that the sun happened to shine on the rash (which was constantly). So freaking weird, and so freaking miserable. It felt like I was holding a hair dryer on high right next to my skin, or pressing my skin onto the hood of a car that has been parked in the sun all day. The only thing that brought me any relief was to sit in air conditioning and cover my legs with a wet cloth / aloe.
Unfortunately I was at a rock festival with limited amounts of any of those things. I had some sort of mental breakdown at this point for whatever reason - I had spent a lot of money on these tickets, I had been having fun despite limited sleep, no showers, and being surrounded by roving, drunken hoodlums for the past three days (:D), and no one else here I saw had stupid heat rash. Everyone was having a great heat-rash free diabetes-free time, and stupid defective me was going to end up spending most of the day inside at a ROCK FESTIVAL. Am I truly not allowed to have any fun anymore, even when I make the conscious effort to be adventurous and try?! I was incredibly angry at myself and stomped off, cursing and crying, into a lukewarm tent sponsored by MTV (haha). My husband was extremely supportive (if a little exasperated with my overreaction) and made the trek back to our tent to get me some novels to read until the sun went down. The burn abated as long as I stayed inside, and when I ventured out around 4pm the worst had passed.
Looking back it was so silly; of course there were other diabetics there. Of course more than one person left those camp grounds in the back of an ambulance, so really the rash I got was so minor. I just have no patience or tolerance for my body anymore when it doesn't do things exactly right (or exactly as I plan). I never got a sun burn - and had religiously applied sunscreen, kept hydrated, and wore a wide brimmed hat the whole time I was there - and I still walked out of the festival with an injury. My red rash is fading, but I still hate feeling like a fragile, delicate flower who should give up anything the least bit "rugged" and spend the rest of my summer in a library. I was angry and full of self-resentment at the time...just one of those days I really wished I was NORMAL, dammit. Back in the day I would've brushed the rash off as inconvenient and painful, and I wouldn't have let it escalate into a personal attack on myself. Having diabetes makes me beat up on myself on a daily basis already. I gotta learn to check the baggage for the rest of life's little PITAs in the future.
As it turned out, my diabetes was surprisingly well behaved. Yes, I had a few lows, but the highs were nearly nonexistant despite me tossing back frozen lemonade, pizza, pretzels, beer, and ice cream. I joked to my husband that I should walk around all day for the rest of my life - I was about 80, constantly. Amazing! (Incidentally, as soon as I returned to work this week - on travel - I began spiking to high 200's and 300's...seriously peeved here, but working on it.)
I took myself by surprise, though. I've posted before about being sick "for real" and how it annoys me and makes me feel seriously put upon. I guess I feel like since I have diabetes, a seriously scary PITA, I should be exempt from the myriad of other petty human ailments (or even the not-so-petty ones). The feeling's irrational and self-pitying, but it's there.
On the last day I'd be at the festival, this past Saturday, I got up as normal and was sitting outside of the tent reading a book. Enjoying the weather before it got too hot. I was sunning my feet and generally enjoying not thinking about much of anything. The boys got up and we headed to the main festival grounds for some grub. While walking there, I noticed that the insides of my ankles and lower calves were turning seriously red, and getting itchy. I thought back to anything I might have gotten into that could cause this, even though I've never been the type to have sensitive skin / get rashes. Putting my feet in the grass last night? Nah.
I stopped by the medic tent and was diagnosed with a case of heat rash. They gave me some sort of anti-itch balm. Okay cool, I can deal with this. I smeared the stuff on and rejoined my pals. Twenty minutes later, the itch turned into a "IT BUUUURRRRNNNNNSSSS!" sensation anytime that the sun happened to shine on the rash (which was constantly). So freaking weird, and so freaking miserable. It felt like I was holding a hair dryer on high right next to my skin, or pressing my skin onto the hood of a car that has been parked in the sun all day. The only thing that brought me any relief was to sit in air conditioning and cover my legs with a wet cloth / aloe.
Unfortunately I was at a rock festival with limited amounts of any of those things. I had some sort of mental breakdown at this point for whatever reason - I had spent a lot of money on these tickets, I had been having fun despite limited sleep, no showers, and being surrounded by roving, drunken hoodlums for the past three days (:D), and no one else here I saw had stupid heat rash. Everyone was having a great heat-rash free diabetes-free time, and stupid defective me was going to end up spending most of the day inside at a ROCK FESTIVAL. Am I truly not allowed to have any fun anymore, even when I make the conscious effort to be adventurous and try?! I was incredibly angry at myself and stomped off, cursing and crying, into a lukewarm tent sponsored by MTV (haha). My husband was extremely supportive (if a little exasperated with my overreaction) and made the trek back to our tent to get me some novels to read until the sun went down. The burn abated as long as I stayed inside, and when I ventured out around 4pm the worst had passed.
Looking back it was so silly; of course there were other diabetics there. Of course more than one person left those camp grounds in the back of an ambulance, so really the rash I got was so minor. I just have no patience or tolerance for my body anymore when it doesn't do things exactly right (or exactly as I plan). I never got a sun burn - and had religiously applied sunscreen, kept hydrated, and wore a wide brimmed hat the whole time I was there - and I still walked out of the festival with an injury. My red rash is fading, but I still hate feeling like a fragile, delicate flower who should give up anything the least bit "rugged" and spend the rest of my summer in a library. I was angry and full of self-resentment at the time...just one of those days I really wished I was NORMAL, dammit. Back in the day I would've brushed the rash off as inconvenient and painful, and I wouldn't have let it escalate into a personal attack on myself. Having diabetes makes me beat up on myself on a daily basis already. I gotta learn to check the baggage for the rest of life's little PITAs in the future.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Oh, vending machine.
Diabetic forgot her breakfast today in the mad rush out of the door!
So now it's a choice. Skip breakfast and try to hold out until lunch? Risk grumbly stomach, hunger pangs*, and hypoglycemia? Nah that sucks.
Visit vending machine? I generally consider vending machines my friends, as they are full of all sorts of sucrose-filled joy. Perfect for treating that late afternoon 47. This morning, not so friendly. Breakfast materials enclosed within: cinnamon swirl iced pop-tarts. Total carbs: 69g. Shit. I haven't had a pop-tart (unless I was low) in years.
I went for the pop-tarts, despite the fact that my 89 mg/dl was screaming at me. "I AM PERFECT, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHYYYYYYYY?"
I'll check my sugar level in another 30 min. Hope I didn't totally screw myself.
* I am a total wuss about hunger pangs these days. I'm so rarely hungry anymore, what with the balanced meals and the hypoglycemia induced snacking, that when I feel empty stomach pains I am simultaneously mystified and incredibly put-out. Used to be that I was a breakfast skipper. Sometimes a breakfast AND lunch skipper. Not anymore!
So now it's a choice. Skip breakfast and try to hold out until lunch? Risk grumbly stomach, hunger pangs*, and hypoglycemia? Nah that sucks.
Visit vending machine? I generally consider vending machines my friends, as they are full of all sorts of sucrose-filled joy. Perfect for treating that late afternoon 47. This morning, not so friendly. Breakfast materials enclosed within: cinnamon swirl iced pop-tarts. Total carbs: 69g. Shit. I haven't had a pop-tart (unless I was low) in years.
I went for the pop-tarts, despite the fact that my 89 mg/dl was screaming at me. "I AM PERFECT, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHYYYYYYYY?"
I'll check my sugar level in another 30 min. Hope I didn't totally screw myself.
* I am a total wuss about hunger pangs these days. I'm so rarely hungry anymore, what with the balanced meals and the hypoglycemia induced snacking, that when I feel empty stomach pains I am simultaneously mystified and incredibly put-out. Used to be that I was a breakfast skipper. Sometimes a breakfast AND lunch skipper. Not anymore!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Uppin' ze droogs
So I recently changed my basal rates AND my carb ratios. I always feel kinda weird when I have to increase my insulin intake, and there's been no discernable difference in diet or exercise habits. I think the scariest/most frustrating type of diabetes to be saddled with would be "Type 1.5" where you not only make no insulin, but are also extremely resistant to any insulin you take. I know I'm not Type 1.5, but I guess it's a part of life that at different times and places I am going to need to make some changes to my insulin regime.
Back when I first got on the pump I was on a .55/hr overnight rate, with .65/hr during the day. What's funny is, that was about half the number of units of Lantus that I had been on for my first two years as a diabetic. I self-adjusted my basals over the years, eventually adding in a jump to .75/hr in the wee am hours to combat the dreaded dawn phenomenon.
Recently I've gone to .70/hr for my late morning to mid-afternoon. Then I jump to .75/hr. Then from 12am to 4am I'm at .70/hr again. Then from 4 to 6 I'm at .95/hr. Then from 7 to 10, back to .75/hr. I've never done a basal rate test, but for the most part this seems to be working. I could probably stand to extend the .95 out another hour or two in either direction in fact . . . Overall it's only 17.8 units a day, still about half of the typical Lantus shot I used to take.
Yesterday I changed my i:c ratios from 1:9 to 1:8. When I was first diagnosed I was getting away with 1:15. Then it went to 1:12. Then 1:10...I'll have to start multiplying instead of dividing soon, it feels like!
Maybe this is the reason for the highs I was bitching about before. It just seemed kinda sudden is all...
I wish diabetes was as scientific and predictable as doctors and pharmaceutical companies would like us to believe. Yeah, I should do a basal rate test and really pin things down to a tee. I can't shake the feeling that half of diabetes management is intuition, though. An art, if you will!
Current blood sugar: 184. ACT-bolus-manual bolus-normal bolus-1.5-ACT!
Back when I first got on the pump I was on a .55/hr overnight rate, with .65/hr during the day. What's funny is, that was about half the number of units of Lantus that I had been on for my first two years as a diabetic. I self-adjusted my basals over the years, eventually adding in a jump to .75/hr in the wee am hours to combat the dreaded dawn phenomenon.
Recently I've gone to .70/hr for my late morning to mid-afternoon. Then I jump to .75/hr. Then from 12am to 4am I'm at .70/hr again. Then from 4 to 6 I'm at .95/hr. Then from 7 to 10, back to .75/hr. I've never done a basal rate test, but for the most part this seems to be working. I could probably stand to extend the .95 out another hour or two in either direction in fact . . . Overall it's only 17.8 units a day, still about half of the typical Lantus shot I used to take.
Yesterday I changed my i:c ratios from 1:9 to 1:8. When I was first diagnosed I was getting away with 1:15. Then it went to 1:12. Then 1:10...I'll have to start multiplying instead of dividing soon, it feels like!
Maybe this is the reason for the highs I was bitching about before. It just seemed kinda sudden is all...
I wish diabetes was as scientific and predictable as doctors and pharmaceutical companies would like us to believe. Yeah, I should do a basal rate test and really pin things down to a tee. I can't shake the feeling that half of diabetes management is intuition, though. An art, if you will!
Current blood sugar: 184. ACT-bolus-manual bolus-normal bolus-1.5-ACT!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Crisis over.
Just as I start to complain, things return to normal. What was with those crazy couple of days? My rage boluses are now, quite rightly, sending me packing into hypoglycemia purgatory. I'm no longer on an elevated basal rate (mostly because I forgot to extend the temp rate last night), but I woke up at a pleasant 85.
I think diabetes was just having a laugh at my expense. Ha. Ha. Haaaa.
I think diabetes was just having a laugh at my expense. Ha. Ha. Haaaa.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Grumbledy grumbledy groo!
This is a first . . . persistantly high blood sugars for the past two days for no discernable reason, despite frequent testing and way more insulin than usual. Doesn't matter what I eat, I'm 200-something. Doesn't matter how much I rage bolus, I'll be 200-something in a few hours.
The following variables have been eliminated:
The following variables have been eliminated:
- bad site (I changed my site this morning and am still experiencing The Wonky BS)
- stress (work is pretty slow, husband and I are fine, marriage party planning is okay)
- bad insulin (it works...eventually! I actually got down to 65 yesterday after a few rage boluses. AND despite The Wonk, I have woken up both days with 100 and 109 fastings. I attribute this to a temporary basal rate set for 24 hours at 126%!)
- pregnancy (tested today; "Not Pregnant." Phew!)
- sickness (maybe I'm still getting over last week)
- period (I'm a couple of days late at this point, but my cycle has been kind of stupid for the past few months anyway. And I've NEVER had persistant highs like this from premenstrual hormones. Sure, I've had *some* resistance, but this is ridiculous.)
Monday, May 14, 2007
Medical Mania
Actually this is a happy post! Last week was awesome timing...the planets must've aligned, because I didn't work at allllll. My job is great for killing you one week and leaving you with crap-all to do the next week. (I hate that by the way, but I think I've beaten that horse good and dead so we'll move on.) I felt like low-level shite all week, so it was good to have a paid vacation. I sat on the couch, monitored work emails, and did whatever I could without arousing the headache demons.
I've decided that doctors really are a little...sigh. I don't know. Sadist? Funny? Utterly perplexing and infuriating? They're like computers...can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. When they work they're great, when they don't you want to throw them out of a window. Pick your cliche, I've got 'em all! I have two examples from the past 7 days or so.
I went to my gynecologist on Tuesday of last week, after I met with my endo. She wanted to confirm that my lymphy lump (lumpy lymph?) was truly of lymphatic origin and wasn't something like a hernia or the C-word. Sure 'nuff, WebMD and myself were correct - Dr. Vag* took one quick feel and said "Yep, that's definitely your lymph node!" He then asked if I had any infections in my nether regions that would cause such ire to form in my groin. I couldn't think of a darn thing, except for my pilonidal cyst.
"OHHH YEAH it's DEFINITELY THAT!"
"But it hasn't flared up in almost a year! I do my best to take care of it and it's not that bad...it's never messed with my lymph nodes before."
"Well, can I see it? I used to be a general surgeon when I started practicing medicine 500 years ago."
"Okay..."
So I mistrustfully turned over, even though I think my pilonidal was probably not at fault in my lymphatic catastrophe. Things have been relatively quiet down there. Dr. Vag immediately stuck a finger right on the tender spot that I do my best to keep off of at all times and PRESSED and RUBBED, just to assuage his curiosity.
Extreme pain! I should've flipped over and treated him with a swift kick to the jaw, but he's elderly and I'm too nice to people.
"Ha, this is nothing. This is a baby pilonidal. Out of all the pilonidals I've ever seen, yours is nothing."
THANKS, THANKS A LOT, I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY PILONIDAL, I KNOW IT IS PRETTY UNREMARKABLE AS FAR AS ASS ABSCESSES GO. Now that I've got my daily dose of pain and you've poked at all of my tenderest spots and confirmed what I had already figured out myself, am I excused?
He then proceeded to tell me that the only way to cure pilonidals was to "cut them out all the way to the bone" (not true) and that diabetics are prone to infection and that I would probably have a lot of problems with infections in my life.
Sigh. Yeah that's me, the leper. I'm just fallin' to pieces here.
My second example of exasperating doctors concerns the aforementioned cholesterol worries I've had over the past months; ever since I've started going to my new endo, in fact. Today I got the results of last Monday's blood work:
A1C: 6.5. Woohoo!
LDL cholesterol: 68. WHAT THE?! Down from 109 four months ago?! I haven't changed my diet or exercise habits.
Total cholesterol: 120, down from 136. WHAT THE?!
So my endo said my HDL was a "little low" in relation to the LDL, but that it looked "fantastic" and if I exercised the HDL should go up.
Ummmmmmm. Okay. How does my cholesterol from "slightly elevated; you should go on statins" to "fantastic"? The only difference I made was that my bloodwork this time was fasting, whereas usually I eat cereal/milk before I go in for my appointment. Could that really have that big of an impact on cholesterol readings? And if so, how many people are inaccurately placed on statins? Can cholesterol really fluctuate that much? Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic - but I think I'll be darned before I let myself get pressured into going on pills for my "elevated cholesterol." Seems like blood work is highly variable...?? Is my A1C even reliable? What the heck?
*Name changed to product the innocent and also for minor humor value. If you're into toilet humor like myself. Hur hur.
I've decided that doctors really are a little...sigh. I don't know. Sadist? Funny? Utterly perplexing and infuriating? They're like computers...can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. When they work they're great, when they don't you want to throw them out of a window. Pick your cliche, I've got 'em all! I have two examples from the past 7 days or so.
I went to my gynecologist on Tuesday of last week, after I met with my endo. She wanted to confirm that my lymphy lump (lumpy lymph?) was truly of lymphatic origin and wasn't something like a hernia or the C-word. Sure 'nuff, WebMD and myself were correct - Dr. Vag* took one quick feel and said "Yep, that's definitely your lymph node!" He then asked if I had any infections in my nether regions that would cause such ire to form in my groin. I couldn't think of a darn thing, except for my pilonidal cyst.
"OHHH YEAH it's DEFINITELY THAT!"
"But it hasn't flared up in almost a year! I do my best to take care of it and it's not that bad...it's never messed with my lymph nodes before."
"Well, can I see it? I used to be a general surgeon when I started practicing medicine 500 years ago."
"Okay..."
So I mistrustfully turned over, even though I think my pilonidal was probably not at fault in my lymphatic catastrophe. Things have been relatively quiet down there. Dr. Vag immediately stuck a finger right on the tender spot that I do my best to keep off of at all times and PRESSED and RUBBED, just to assuage his curiosity.
Extreme pain! I should've flipped over and treated him with a swift kick to the jaw, but he's elderly and I'm too nice to people.
"Ha, this is nothing. This is a baby pilonidal. Out of all the pilonidals I've ever seen, yours is nothing."
THANKS, THANKS A LOT, I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY PILONIDAL, I KNOW IT IS PRETTY UNREMARKABLE AS FAR AS ASS ABSCESSES GO. Now that I've got my daily dose of pain and you've poked at all of my tenderest spots and confirmed what I had already figured out myself, am I excused?
He then proceeded to tell me that the only way to cure pilonidals was to "cut them out all the way to the bone" (not true) and that diabetics are prone to infection and that I would probably have a lot of problems with infections in my life.
Sigh. Yeah that's me, the leper. I'm just fallin' to pieces here.
My second example of exasperating doctors concerns the aforementioned cholesterol worries I've had over the past months; ever since I've started going to my new endo, in fact. Today I got the results of last Monday's blood work:
A1C: 6.5. Woohoo!
LDL cholesterol: 68. WHAT THE?! Down from 109 four months ago?! I haven't changed my diet or exercise habits.
Total cholesterol: 120, down from 136. WHAT THE?!
So my endo said my HDL was a "little low" in relation to the LDL, but that it looked "fantastic" and if I exercised the HDL should go up.
Ummmmmmm. Okay. How does my cholesterol from "slightly elevated; you should go on statins" to "fantastic"? The only difference I made was that my bloodwork this time was fasting, whereas usually I eat cereal/milk before I go in for my appointment. Could that really have that big of an impact on cholesterol readings? And if so, how many people are inaccurately placed on statins? Can cholesterol really fluctuate that much? Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic - but I think I'll be darned before I let myself get pressured into going on pills for my "elevated cholesterol." Seems like blood work is highly variable...?? Is my A1C even reliable? What the heck?
*Name changed to product the innocent and also for minor humor value. If you're into toilet humor like myself. Hur hur.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Sick f'real
I admit that I am a total wuss when it comes to being acutely ill. There's something about a cold or a stomach bug that registers extremely high on my Misery Scale that diabetes just can't touch. On a day to day basis I consider diabetes more of a "condition" than a "disease." Hit me if that doesn't make any sense, but diabetes is like a constant, physical state of being to me. Yeah, it causes discomfort, but on a typical day it doesn't totally incapcitate me or make me feel super uncomfortable. I can deal with diabetes, but a cold or any other seemingly minor ailment? Pisses. Me. Off. I also think this is cos I've got a huge chip on my shoulder - I already have diabetes, I don't deserve anything else, right?! (Pft, tough titty, sister.)
Anyway, I've been feeling a little funky since allergy season is now in full force. This isn't unexpected, but most years I can soldier on by popping a couple of antihistamines and going about my business. Last week I felt nauseous a few times in the am (yeah, making me nervous) but I attributed it to general funkiness. On Thursday I started feeling a mild tenderness on the left side of my groin (where exactly IS the groin, anyway) . By Saturday evening it had swelled to a Genuine Lump. I did a quick internet search and it sounds like I've got myself an angry lymph node friend down there. Well, the general funkiness intensified over Saturday night and by Sunday morning I couldn't stand upright without giving myself a pounding headache. I've had a sinus infection before, about 3 or 4 years ago, and this was similar but not quite the same...I'm still blaming it on sinus though as my nose was a faucet and my face felt puffy around the nasal region. Spent the whole day in bed. It was actually kind of nice, but also frustrating...
This morning I had an appointment with the endo...last time I saw her was in January. I was attempting to fast since I knew I'd have bloodwork drawn. I've never done this before and my stomach was rumbling like crazy about 15 minutes before I left the house. I decided to have a cup of green tea to try and assuage the grumblies. Awful, awful idea. I ended up puking up whatever was in my stomach - mostly tea. I haven't puked since 2002, so this was decidedly unfun. I'm not sure quite what's up with me, but I'd like to have it stop, pronto!
In better news, my PA and endo have given me the green light to go get knocked up (assuming that the blood work they draw today shows that my A1C is under 7). I won't be trying to conceive until late July or early August, but it was nice to get the "good job, way to go" pat on the back. My A1Cs have been under 7 for a couple of years now and my docs seem to have a lot of confidence in my control and ability to self-diagnose and dose. The goals and monitoring we discussed weren't off the wall either - under 90 fasting, 90 pre-prandial, and under 120 2 hours post prandial. Yeah, I am definitely not there yet but as my PA explained, blood sugars tend to drop during pregnancy anyway . . . and like I've said before, babies are great motivators. I've achieved "good" control without busting my butt too much, so if I start busting a little more things should elevate to "great!" I'll get a lot more doc help than I currently do also - fax in the sugar logs a couple of times a week, and a monthly appointment.
From now until August I think I'll be focusing on keeping my nose wiped and my lymph nodes normal sized...ugh!
Anyway, I've been feeling a little funky since allergy season is now in full force. This isn't unexpected, but most years I can soldier on by popping a couple of antihistamines and going about my business. Last week I felt nauseous a few times in the am (yeah, making me nervous) but I attributed it to general funkiness. On Thursday I started feeling a mild tenderness on the left side of my groin (where exactly IS the groin, anyway) . By Saturday evening it had swelled to a Genuine Lump. I did a quick internet search and it sounds like I've got myself an angry lymph node friend down there. Well, the general funkiness intensified over Saturday night and by Sunday morning I couldn't stand upright without giving myself a pounding headache. I've had a sinus infection before, about 3 or 4 years ago, and this was similar but not quite the same...I'm still blaming it on sinus though as my nose was a faucet and my face felt puffy around the nasal region. Spent the whole day in bed. It was actually kind of nice, but also frustrating...
This morning I had an appointment with the endo...last time I saw her was in January. I was attempting to fast since I knew I'd have bloodwork drawn. I've never done this before and my stomach was rumbling like crazy about 15 minutes before I left the house. I decided to have a cup of green tea to try and assuage the grumblies. Awful, awful idea. I ended up puking up whatever was in my stomach - mostly tea. I haven't puked since 2002, so this was decidedly unfun. I'm not sure quite what's up with me, but I'd like to have it stop, pronto!
In better news, my PA and endo have given me the green light to go get knocked up (assuming that the blood work they draw today shows that my A1C is under 7). I won't be trying to conceive until late July or early August, but it was nice to get the "good job, way to go" pat on the back. My A1Cs have been under 7 for a couple of years now and my docs seem to have a lot of confidence in my control and ability to self-diagnose and dose. The goals and monitoring we discussed weren't off the wall either - under 90 fasting, 90 pre-prandial, and under 120 2 hours post prandial. Yeah, I am definitely not there yet but as my PA explained, blood sugars tend to drop during pregnancy anyway . . . and like I've said before, babies are great motivators. I've achieved "good" control without busting my butt too much, so if I start busting a little more things should elevate to "great!" I'll get a lot more doc help than I currently do also - fax in the sugar logs a couple of times a week, and a monthly appointment.
From now until August I think I'll be focusing on keeping my nose wiped and my lymph nodes normal sized...ugh!
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Quack, quack, quack.
This is a post I've been debating writing about for a long time now. It's my post about alternative medicine and it'll probably be long and incoherent because that was what my experience was like. You see there used to be a time when I underwent some pretty weird treatments in search of a cure for diabetes. I'm obviously still diabetic, but I don't want this to become a bitter or angry post. I am not pointing fingers at anyone, conventional doc or alternative doc. I'm past that...I just want to put this out there in the hopes that you find it interesting or that it gives you a little more insight into the lesser known medical community out there. I still believe that the medical community as a whole would greatly benefit from an integration of conventional and complementary therapies instead of mud-slinging, but that's never gonna happen so whatev. It'd be nice though - you'd get rid of quacks and at the same time give proper respect to new and developing therapies without automatically crushing them in the name of big pharma.
My foray into the realm of alternative medicine and nutrition started when I was still a little kid. I wouldn't call my parents commune tree-huggers by any stretch of the imagination, but they did have some good friends who were pushing this blue-green algae product. The algae was harvested from Klamath Lake in Oregon and was marketed as a "superfood" - in other words, grown naturally, full of nutrients, no pesticides, not overcooked, no preservatives. I think we started popping back the algae pills - as a family - when I was about 10 or 11. The thing is, these pills could never hurt you, so looking back on it I don't mind taking them. At the very least I consider them to be part of my daily green vegetable serving...and if I didn't eat anything else green that day, at least I ate the algae. My mother swore that they made her menstrual pain disappear. As a kid with effortless good health, I didn't notice any effects one way or another. In my mind they were basically vitamins.
Fast forward about 8 years. I wasn't as active an algae taker, and my parents weren't either - they were still consumers, but they were no longer interested in trying to peddle the product themselves. I think this was mostly due to negative reaction by family and friends ("Pyramid marketing scheme, awesome.") and also because it took a hell of a lot of time and start up cash.
I get diagnosed with diabetes. We learn right quick about insulin - about treating the symptoms in order to survive. My parents, and especially my mother, I think, were so desperate to see me get better. They were ripe to the suggestion that maybe this could go away, and all conventional medicine could tell them was "a cure will come soon" I don't blame them for what they did; hell, I was 18 years old and I went along with it. I think that to this day they are still wrapping their minds around the fact that one of their children has a serious, chronic disease. So'm I. Anyway.
So when the original algae friends popped up again with news of hope, Mom jumped at the chance. I'd say this was about 6 months or a year into my diagnosis. Mom's friend mentioned a naturopathic MD based in GA. Apparently, he had successfully treated a Type I diabetic about my age. She wasn't CURED, per se, but she was no longer dependent on insulin. So effectively a Type II, diet controlled, but without the insulin resistance. Pretty cool, right? Well, better than Type I anyway.
Mom launched the idea to me, and my immediate reaction was "NO." I didn't have anything against alternative therapy (at the time), but I was still learning how to take care of myself on a day to day basis. I thought that adding herbal supplements and other random therapy would throw too many variables into my equation. How was I supposed to follow advice from two doctors when they didn't communicate and were operating from two completely different medical walks of life? Well, somehow she wore me down. I mean, what did we have to lose besides money and time, right? And it might help. There was nothing so disheartening to the newly diagnosed diabetic me like that hopeless feeling I got when I remembered the nurse in the ER saying that it was never going to go away. That this is a life sentence. And then my endo confirming that he can never cure me, only treat my symptoms. If that hopeless feeling would go away, I'd try it.
We made the ten hour drive down to GA. On the way I had the worst stomach cramps I have ever had in my life. I puked out the window, even. Awesome! I honestly think I was experiencing food poisoning from an IHOP caesar salad...still won't touch the damn things. The doctor said I had had a mild "gallbladder attack" due to an excess of gallstones. Errr...well, I'll let you know when my gallbladder conks out, but I haven't had any issues like that since. I'll just keep avoiding the caesar salads at IHOP, thanks.
At the first appointment, I learned that the method of diagnosis most heralded by the doctor is electrodermal stress analysis. In a nutshell, this is mapping acupuncture meridians to electric signals that are produced by your body to detect "inflammations" or "deficiencies." You sit there and hold a moistened metal rod in one hand. The doctor uses a metal probe hooked up to one of them there electrodermal machines (see link; I was diagnosed with the Omega AccuBase Platinum device). Then the doctor asks your body a question, and touches the metal probe to acupuncture points on your fingers and feet. These questions were anything from "What kind of medicine does she need?" to "What is her true biological age?" After the diagnosis sessions, I'd go get adjusted by a chiropractor and clear any "emotional pain" found by the electrodermal machine. Then the machine would be used again to determine what sorts of homeopathic tinctures and herbal treatments would best suit my ailments. The idea was that the body dredges up the thing that's wrong with it the most at any given moment, so treatment is a g r a d u a l process.
Predictably, my body always complained about stressful emotions, liver, pancreas, endocrine, and immune system issues. Once it even threw my lungs and my heart out there. I was always a little older than my biological age, and I always always always needed tons of pills and horrible-tasting liquids. I visited this doctor for two years. I received EDTA chelation therapy - as my initial diagnosis was heavy metal blockages in the main blood vessels leading to my pancreas - foot bath detoxification, lymphatic massages, and several chiropractic readjustments. I swallowed down countless detox shakes of grapefruit juice and olive oil to "cleanse my liver." My doctor convinced me to put off getting the insulin pump and give his methods a try. I did. I cut down my carbs to 15g or less per meal - usually less. I was on one shot of Lantus a day, 30 units, with Humalog to supplement if I overstepped my carb boundaries. My doctor told me not to treat lows with sugar, but with enzyme pills. This was his next explanation for my diabetes - overall body acidosis. The theory here is that sickness thrives in an acid environment; parasites, bacteria, etc. If I would just cut sugars and other "acidic" foods out of my diet, I would be cured. Oh, and I also had a couple of "miasms" (which are basically like genetic disease footprints passed down to you from your relatives). Nothing like being a 20 year old woman carrying around a bottle labelled "Syphilinium" to get rid of her syphilis miasm.
There were a few ocassions that really convinced me that this stuff was the real deal...I wish I could remember now, but it's fading a bit. One that I can recall was a seemingly random appearance of "Teeth" on the electrodermal analysis screening. What could my teeth have to do with diabetes? Well, let's ask the machine.
"There is a problem with the teeth that is affecting the diabetes?"
*machine bleeps yes*
"Are there fillings in the teeth?"
*machine bleeps yes*
"Are they mercury amalgam fillings?"
*machine bleeps yes*
"Are mercury vapors being released into the mouth and causing inflammation of the organs?"
*machine bleeps yes*
Amazingly (coincidentally) I had received my very first fillings ever just a few days prior to the appointment. Unless the doctor hired a private investigator on me, he was taking a pretty big chance making up the teeth thing. I come to find out through research later that metal fillings are a big deal with a lot of alternative practicioners - and I agree with them, mercury in your mouth is bad...but looking back on it it was a pretty cheap way to convince me that this machine was legitimate. Also the machine constantly harped on generational bad emotions passed to me through my mother's family. I guess this is digging out a lot of skeletons, but let's just say it sounded really plausible. And it was actually kind of fun to pull these "answers" almost out of thin air, out of my body - that unknown betrayer was finally being forced to fess up.
But isn't that what they always say about fortune tellers? Fun? Plausible? Generic? Obvious?
I guess what really began to make me feel fed up with everything was not just the huge amounts of travel and money that we were throwing into this therapy - with a total lack of results - was when my husband, then boyfriend, came to an appointment with me. He said he damn near cried and felt sick to his stomach when he saw what was happening. This is the guy who hates going to the doctor on general principle, but he hated it even more when he couldn't get scientific answers out of the doctor. He couldn't wait to get out of there, and we stopped talking about my treatments together.
The still, small voice inside of me began to whisper that I might be on very little insulin, but that was only because I wasn't eating much of anything to require insulin. And I couldn't ignore the fact that every time I walked out of that office I felt horribly flawed, horribly sick, and doomed, somehow. Like every move I made in my life was bad for me. Let's face it, it's hard to be healthy in the modern world. But what a weight I felt on my shoulders during that period of time. The crushing responsibility of my own health and my inability to control it. The long drives back to Virginia I spent laying down in the backseat, head in a book or anywhere else but in the bag of medicines my mother closely examined. I was always snappy and sad when talking about the "progress" (or regression) I had made. I felt like I was 75 years old after those visits and it took me a few days to recover. Healthy, huh?
After copious amounts of frustration on my part, mom heard from her friend again. Apparently there was this doctor in Chula Vista, CA, who had cured diabetics. We brought his name up to my doctor in GA, who brightened immediately and became excited. He highly recommended that I go see the doc in CA, they were pals who did lots of international seminars together. The CA doctor used a technique called "live cell therapy" in which he examines your blood using a big ole expensive microscope. Based on whatever he sees in your blood - parasites, plaque, Mickey Mouse - he sends you over the border to Tijuana, Mexico, to be treated at his hospital there. I endured two weeks of enzyme pills, enemas, green shakes, and constant IV treatments. I was injected with bovine stem cells at that hospital - but the whole time I was there I felt a sense of foreboding. I was too scared to think that this might actually help, and I was again feeling the huge weight of my negative destiny. The doctor had me cut back my insulin to practically nothing after I was treated with the shots "to see what would happen." In the meantime I read testimonials from former patients who were either no longer using insulin at all, or had cut back to 50% of their prior use. Hope hope hope. When the night doctor came in to examine me, read my night blood sugar readings, and heard that I was taking no insulin, he scoffed. "What does he think is going to happen?"
At the time I thought that guy was rude. Now I know he was right. My blood sugar levels hovered in the 300s and 400s for over a week, and eventually the doctor relented. I started the insulin up again, left Tijuana, went back to school. The much-lauded effects of the cell therapy never materialized. In fact, my blood sugars were uncharacteristically erratic - as in random HIGH highs - for a few weeks after I came home. My calls to the doctor were largely unanswered, unless I called several times a day.
After more than two years of travel to GA and CA, I finally told my endocrinologist what I had been doing. He got a pained look on his face, but as we were very close I think he prevented himself from flipping out completely. During that appointment we learned that I had antibodies for Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Had I, with the best of intentions and the highest of hopes, inadvertantly caused my immune system to backfire on me again? I don't have a thyroid issue yet, but the antibodies are a good indicator that it's going to happen. And again, my conventional doctor can do nothing for me but treat my symptoms. And the alternative doctor can only propose more and more cracked out therapies and tell me that that potato chip I'm eating is the entire reason for my body's inability to cope. Again, the weight of my doom on my shoulders. I hurt myself if I do this, I hurt myself if I do that. How do I keep from killing myself? It was just impossible.
The final straw came when I was traveling into DC for further chelation treatments prescribed by the naturopathic MD in GA. The travel down to GA was just too much at this point, so I was going into the city to a MD who specialized in allergy treatments. He also provided IV fluids w/ vitamins, etc, for his allergy patients. He happened to have the stuff that the naturopathic MD wanted me to get at the time. Anyway, some billing rigamarole happened that caused my mother a huge amount of stress. I said I wanted to call off all of the damn treatments right there. We were calling one of the naturopathic MD's associates in Leesburg, VA to try and sort the mess out and even as I was near tears on the phone with her, she was trying to pitch another treatment to me. She had been cured of Crohn's, she asserted! If I just got rid of those miasms....I don't even remember all of the details, just the huge feeling of being sick of feeling sick. SICK OF IT ALL.
Sigh.
I haven't gone back to GA since. I seriously doubt I will ever dabble in alternative therapies again. Did the doctor help me? Maybe. Did he hurt me? Maybe. What did I lose? Confidence, time, money. What did I gain? A healthy sense of skepticism. I've always wanted to assert myself as very open minded, and I still feel I am. We don't have all the answers. Doctors are certainly not gods - conventional or alternative. Should I feel bad about wanting to hope? No. That was the primary motivator in all of this - hope. It didn't pan out, and for a long time I was angry about it. I felt swindled and manipulated, plain and simple - my parents' pain and fear gobbled up as greedily as the dollars that fell out of their wallets. But I still can't convince myself that the people offering these treatments and information are operating with an evil purpose and that some of these treatments do not have a basis in truth. Some undoubtedly are motivated by the money, but others will swear over and over that it has helped them tremendously. And maybe these treatments are effective for their ailments...but it never helped my diabetes.
I'm sittin' back for now. I'm enjoying my (relative) good health. I'm fine-tuning my basal rates. I'm not stressing myself out about this stuff anymore. I'm still walking the open minded road, but I don't think I'll be taking any turns too quick. I hope that my parents - if they read this - don't feel like I'm nailing them for buying into these treatments. I think it's perfectly understandable and I still feel like there's great untapped potential in the arena of alternative therapy....but I don't have room in my life for another endless tail-chasing session, or for more self-doubt and worry. My conventional doctors said "In 5 more years..." and my alternative doctor said "With 5 more chelation treatments..."
As far as I see it, no one's got diabetes nipped in the bud yet, but there's still plenty of false hope to be peddled around. I guess it's human nature.
My foray into the realm of alternative medicine and nutrition started when I was still a little kid. I wouldn't call my parents commune tree-huggers by any stretch of the imagination, but they did have some good friends who were pushing this blue-green algae product. The algae was harvested from Klamath Lake in Oregon and was marketed as a "superfood" - in other words, grown naturally, full of nutrients, no pesticides, not overcooked, no preservatives. I think we started popping back the algae pills - as a family - when I was about 10 or 11. The thing is, these pills could never hurt you, so looking back on it I don't mind taking them. At the very least I consider them to be part of my daily green vegetable serving...and if I didn't eat anything else green that day, at least I ate the algae. My mother swore that they made her menstrual pain disappear. As a kid with effortless good health, I didn't notice any effects one way or another. In my mind they were basically vitamins.
Fast forward about 8 years. I wasn't as active an algae taker, and my parents weren't either - they were still consumers, but they were no longer interested in trying to peddle the product themselves. I think this was mostly due to negative reaction by family and friends ("Pyramid marketing scheme, awesome.") and also because it took a hell of a lot of time and start up cash.
I get diagnosed with diabetes. We learn right quick about insulin - about treating the symptoms in order to survive. My parents, and especially my mother, I think, were so desperate to see me get better. They were ripe to the suggestion that maybe this could go away, and all conventional medicine could tell them was "a cure will come soon" I don't blame them for what they did; hell, I was 18 years old and I went along with it. I think that to this day they are still wrapping their minds around the fact that one of their children has a serious, chronic disease. So'm I. Anyway.
So when the original algae friends popped up again with news of hope, Mom jumped at the chance. I'd say this was about 6 months or a year into my diagnosis. Mom's friend mentioned a naturopathic MD based in GA. Apparently, he had successfully treated a Type I diabetic about my age. She wasn't CURED, per se, but she was no longer dependent on insulin. So effectively a Type II, diet controlled, but without the insulin resistance. Pretty cool, right? Well, better than Type I anyway.
Mom launched the idea to me, and my immediate reaction was "NO." I didn't have anything against alternative therapy (at the time), but I was still learning how to take care of myself on a day to day basis. I thought that adding herbal supplements and other random therapy would throw too many variables into my equation. How was I supposed to follow advice from two doctors when they didn't communicate and were operating from two completely different medical walks of life? Well, somehow she wore me down. I mean, what did we have to lose besides money and time, right? And it might help. There was nothing so disheartening to the newly diagnosed diabetic me like that hopeless feeling I got when I remembered the nurse in the ER saying that it was never going to go away. That this is a life sentence. And then my endo confirming that he can never cure me, only treat my symptoms. If that hopeless feeling would go away, I'd try it.
We made the ten hour drive down to GA. On the way I had the worst stomach cramps I have ever had in my life. I puked out the window, even. Awesome! I honestly think I was experiencing food poisoning from an IHOP caesar salad...still won't touch the damn things. The doctor said I had had a mild "gallbladder attack" due to an excess of gallstones. Errr...well, I'll let you know when my gallbladder conks out, but I haven't had any issues like that since. I'll just keep avoiding the caesar salads at IHOP, thanks.
At the first appointment, I learned that the method of diagnosis most heralded by the doctor is electrodermal stress analysis. In a nutshell, this is mapping acupuncture meridians to electric signals that are produced by your body to detect "inflammations" or "deficiencies." You sit there and hold a moistened metal rod in one hand. The doctor uses a metal probe hooked up to one of them there electrodermal machines (see link; I was diagnosed with the Omega AccuBase Platinum device). Then the doctor asks your body a question, and touches the metal probe to acupuncture points on your fingers and feet. These questions were anything from "What kind of medicine does she need?" to "What is her true biological age?" After the diagnosis sessions, I'd go get adjusted by a chiropractor and clear any "emotional pain" found by the electrodermal machine. Then the machine would be used again to determine what sorts of homeopathic tinctures and herbal treatments would best suit my ailments. The idea was that the body dredges up the thing that's wrong with it the most at any given moment, so treatment is a g r a d u a l process.
Predictably, my body always complained about stressful emotions, liver, pancreas, endocrine, and immune system issues. Once it even threw my lungs and my heart out there. I was always a little older than my biological age, and I always always always needed tons of pills and horrible-tasting liquids. I visited this doctor for two years. I received EDTA chelation therapy - as my initial diagnosis was heavy metal blockages in the main blood vessels leading to my pancreas - foot bath detoxification, lymphatic massages, and several chiropractic readjustments. I swallowed down countless detox shakes of grapefruit juice and olive oil to "cleanse my liver." My doctor convinced me to put off getting the insulin pump and give his methods a try. I did. I cut down my carbs to 15g or less per meal - usually less. I was on one shot of Lantus a day, 30 units, with Humalog to supplement if I overstepped my carb boundaries. My doctor told me not to treat lows with sugar, but with enzyme pills. This was his next explanation for my diabetes - overall body acidosis. The theory here is that sickness thrives in an acid environment; parasites, bacteria, etc. If I would just cut sugars and other "acidic" foods out of my diet, I would be cured. Oh, and I also had a couple of "miasms" (which are basically like genetic disease footprints passed down to you from your relatives). Nothing like being a 20 year old woman carrying around a bottle labelled "Syphilinium" to get rid of her syphilis miasm.
There were a few ocassions that really convinced me that this stuff was the real deal...I wish I could remember now, but it's fading a bit. One that I can recall was a seemingly random appearance of "Teeth" on the electrodermal analysis screening. What could my teeth have to do with diabetes? Well, let's ask the machine.
"There is a problem with the teeth that is affecting the diabetes?"
*machine bleeps yes*
"Are there fillings in the teeth?"
*machine bleeps yes*
"Are they mercury amalgam fillings?"
*machine bleeps yes*
"Are mercury vapors being released into the mouth and causing inflammation of the organs?"
*machine bleeps yes*
Amazingly (coincidentally) I had received my very first fillings ever just a few days prior to the appointment. Unless the doctor hired a private investigator on me, he was taking a pretty big chance making up the teeth thing. I come to find out through research later that metal fillings are a big deal with a lot of alternative practicioners - and I agree with them, mercury in your mouth is bad...but looking back on it it was a pretty cheap way to convince me that this machine was legitimate. Also the machine constantly harped on generational bad emotions passed to me through my mother's family. I guess this is digging out a lot of skeletons, but let's just say it sounded really plausible. And it was actually kind of fun to pull these "answers" almost out of thin air, out of my body - that unknown betrayer was finally being forced to fess up.
But isn't that what they always say about fortune tellers? Fun? Plausible? Generic? Obvious?
I guess what really began to make me feel fed up with everything was not just the huge amounts of travel and money that we were throwing into this therapy - with a total lack of results - was when my husband, then boyfriend, came to an appointment with me. He said he damn near cried and felt sick to his stomach when he saw what was happening. This is the guy who hates going to the doctor on general principle, but he hated it even more when he couldn't get scientific answers out of the doctor. He couldn't wait to get out of there, and we stopped talking about my treatments together.
The still, small voice inside of me began to whisper that I might be on very little insulin, but that was only because I wasn't eating much of anything to require insulin. And I couldn't ignore the fact that every time I walked out of that office I felt horribly flawed, horribly sick, and doomed, somehow. Like every move I made in my life was bad for me. Let's face it, it's hard to be healthy in the modern world. But what a weight I felt on my shoulders during that period of time. The crushing responsibility of my own health and my inability to control it. The long drives back to Virginia I spent laying down in the backseat, head in a book or anywhere else but in the bag of medicines my mother closely examined. I was always snappy and sad when talking about the "progress" (or regression) I had made. I felt like I was 75 years old after those visits and it took me a few days to recover. Healthy, huh?
After copious amounts of frustration on my part, mom heard from her friend again. Apparently there was this doctor in Chula Vista, CA, who had cured diabetics. We brought his name up to my doctor in GA, who brightened immediately and became excited. He highly recommended that I go see the doc in CA, they were pals who did lots of international seminars together. The CA doctor used a technique called "live cell therapy" in which he examines your blood using a big ole expensive microscope. Based on whatever he sees in your blood - parasites, plaque, Mickey Mouse - he sends you over the border to Tijuana, Mexico, to be treated at his hospital there. I endured two weeks of enzyme pills, enemas, green shakes, and constant IV treatments. I was injected with bovine stem cells at that hospital - but the whole time I was there I felt a sense of foreboding. I was too scared to think that this might actually help, and I was again feeling the huge weight of my negative destiny. The doctor had me cut back my insulin to practically nothing after I was treated with the shots "to see what would happen." In the meantime I read testimonials from former patients who were either no longer using insulin at all, or had cut back to 50% of their prior use. Hope hope hope. When the night doctor came in to examine me, read my night blood sugar readings, and heard that I was taking no insulin, he scoffed. "What does he think is going to happen?"
At the time I thought that guy was rude. Now I know he was right. My blood sugar levels hovered in the 300s and 400s for over a week, and eventually the doctor relented. I started the insulin up again, left Tijuana, went back to school. The much-lauded effects of the cell therapy never materialized. In fact, my blood sugars were uncharacteristically erratic - as in random HIGH highs - for a few weeks after I came home. My calls to the doctor were largely unanswered, unless I called several times a day.
After more than two years of travel to GA and CA, I finally told my endocrinologist what I had been doing. He got a pained look on his face, but as we were very close I think he prevented himself from flipping out completely. During that appointment we learned that I had antibodies for Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Had I, with the best of intentions and the highest of hopes, inadvertantly caused my immune system to backfire on me again? I don't have a thyroid issue yet, but the antibodies are a good indicator that it's going to happen. And again, my conventional doctor can do nothing for me but treat my symptoms. And the alternative doctor can only propose more and more cracked out therapies and tell me that that potato chip I'm eating is the entire reason for my body's inability to cope. Again, the weight of my doom on my shoulders. I hurt myself if I do this, I hurt myself if I do that. How do I keep from killing myself? It was just impossible.
The final straw came when I was traveling into DC for further chelation treatments prescribed by the naturopathic MD in GA. The travel down to GA was just too much at this point, so I was going into the city to a MD who specialized in allergy treatments. He also provided IV fluids w/ vitamins, etc, for his allergy patients. He happened to have the stuff that the naturopathic MD wanted me to get at the time. Anyway, some billing rigamarole happened that caused my mother a huge amount of stress. I said I wanted to call off all of the damn treatments right there. We were calling one of the naturopathic MD's associates in Leesburg, VA to try and sort the mess out and even as I was near tears on the phone with her, she was trying to pitch another treatment to me. She had been cured of Crohn's, she asserted! If I just got rid of those miasms....I don't even remember all of the details, just the huge feeling of being sick of feeling sick. SICK OF IT ALL.
Sigh.
I haven't gone back to GA since. I seriously doubt I will ever dabble in alternative therapies again. Did the doctor help me? Maybe. Did he hurt me? Maybe. What did I lose? Confidence, time, money. What did I gain? A healthy sense of skepticism. I've always wanted to assert myself as very open minded, and I still feel I am. We don't have all the answers. Doctors are certainly not gods - conventional or alternative. Should I feel bad about wanting to hope? No. That was the primary motivator in all of this - hope. It didn't pan out, and for a long time I was angry about it. I felt swindled and manipulated, plain and simple - my parents' pain and fear gobbled up as greedily as the dollars that fell out of their wallets. But I still can't convince myself that the people offering these treatments and information are operating with an evil purpose and that some of these treatments do not have a basis in truth. Some undoubtedly are motivated by the money, but others will swear over and over that it has helped them tremendously. And maybe these treatments are effective for their ailments...but it never helped my diabetes.
I'm sittin' back for now. I'm enjoying my (relative) good health. I'm fine-tuning my basal rates. I'm not stressing myself out about this stuff anymore. I'm still walking the open minded road, but I don't think I'll be taking any turns too quick. I hope that my parents - if they read this - don't feel like I'm nailing them for buying into these treatments. I think it's perfectly understandable and I still feel like there's great untapped potential in the arena of alternative therapy....but I don't have room in my life for another endless tail-chasing session, or for more self-doubt and worry. My conventional doctors said "In 5 more years..." and my alternative doctor said "With 5 more chelation treatments..."
As far as I see it, no one's got diabetes nipped in the bud yet, but there's still plenty of false hope to be peddled around. I guess it's human nature.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Diabetic stress dream
Thought some of you might get a chuckle out of this one, cos I had to laugh at myself when I woke up this morning.
Most. Annoying. Dream. EVER.
I don't remember the context or background, but I was trying to test my blood sugar and couldn't get enough blood on to the strip - I kept seeing "E-3" (don't know if that's the right error that would show for my BD Paradigm Link or what, but it's close). After I finally got enough blood to come out, it smeared around on my finger and I wasn't be able to get a confined drop to put onto the strip. 4 strips later, I finally had a nice-sized drop and I guided it toward the strip...and I put it on before the meter was ready, so I got another error. 5 wasted test strips! ULTIMATE FEELING OF DISGUST FROM SAID DIABETIC!!!
Then I woke up! ":D"
Most. Annoying. Dream. EVER.
I don't remember the context or background, but I was trying to test my blood sugar and couldn't get enough blood on to the strip - I kept seeing "E-3" (don't know if that's the right error that would show for my BD Paradigm Link or what, but it's close). After I finally got enough blood to come out, it smeared around on my finger and I wasn't be able to get a confined drop to put onto the strip. 4 strips later, I finally had a nice-sized drop and I guided it toward the strip...and I put it on before the meter was ready, so I got another error. 5 wasted test strips! ULTIMATE FEELING OF DISGUST FROM SAID DIABETIC!!!
Then I woke up! ":D"
Monday, April 16, 2007
...
I'm not even going to attempt an eloquent post, but . . . I graduated from Virginia Tech in May 2006. The shooting in August 2006 was shocking enough. Today? Absolutely mindblowing . . . I lived in West Ambler-Johnston my freshman year. It was always very beautiful and peaceful, in contrast to other places I have lived.
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