Friday, November 13, 2009


A1C: 5.9.
TSH & other assorted thyroid fun-guys: In range, as I suspected. Not even the littlest bit off.
Cholesterol: Fine. (I'm going to go eat a stick of butter in a few minutes just in case.)
Vitamin D: Dismally low! Apparently I am a vampire and didn't know it. Taking a supplement. Hoping for increase in the happies, decrease in the sads.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Schlumpin' around.

I'll admit it. I'm kind of depressed. On second thought, I don't know if you can be kind of depressed. Is it like being a little bit pregnant? (I'm not pregnant, that's for sure.) Maybe you just are depressed or you aren't. At any rate I'm definitely cranky and anxious.

I've got an endo appointment on November 2. Yes, I am the brilliant diabetic who scheduled to see my blood-sugar-stuff doctor the Monday after Halloween. Looks like I'm going to have to blame white coat syndrome on my wonky blood glucose readings again. (Seriously, that happens to me EVERY TIME. High or low, never in range when I see my endo. She probably thinks I'm a lying liar who lies when I say I test, I swear I test! And I don't live on cotton candy! But I wish I did! But now that I think of it, why do endos bother with that in-office test? One test in a day doesn't provide any valuable information, except for possibly, "Ha! Caught you being diabetic!" Or maybe the endo can console him or herself by saying, "Well, at least my patient tests once every three months. That I know for sure!") Oh and also due to the kind of depression and general sense of apathy I've been eating like...I don't know, like a six year old would eat if no one forced them to eat things with chlorophyll. Pop Tarts, cereal, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream, fast food...I'm scared of what my LDL is going to be. NOOOO, STATINS DO NOT WANT! Thankfully my blood sugars have been okay-ish despite the steady diet of junk, but I do have to own up to hitting "HI" on the meter one day after my pump tubing was sliced and I didn't realize it until 10:30 that evening. I was out of town and just kept bolusing, hoping I could get back in range...because surely it couldn't be my pump because I hadn't changed my site and it just worked an hour ago and ARGGGH! The pump has not been my friend lately; due to a handful of bad sites combined with my new horrid testing habits I've seen more than my fair share of 300s, 400s, and even a couple of 500s. This is not like me. Or maybe it's the new and unimproved me. One day I'll test fifteen times and the next day I'll test once.

Anyway, back to being kind of depressed, because the internet is for complaining. Since my hypothyroid diagnosis I've definitely noticed a distinct, increasing feeling of crapola. Maybe it's psychosomatic, but symptoms, I haz them. My laundry list includes ~*~TMI~*~ fatigue, chronic constipation, what is this strange concept that you call libido, fatigue, feeling like ass, and more fatigue. A fellow Type I & hypothyroid combo friend posted on DM about a book that claims to answer the question of why one still has thyroid symptoms when one is on thyroid hormone replacement medication AND one's lab values are in range. You know what, man? I really don't want to read that book. It's going to delve into the alternative medicine universe of "lifestyle chaaaaanges" that basically mean you can't eat pears ever again and you must take 50 herbal supplements and lol guess what, six months later nothing will have changed and you still feel like crap. And you probably have another health problem now, too! Go you.

Now I know I'm being cynical. I know. But really what I'm avoiding is that rising gall feeling that I know reading the book will give me because the main message is really this: I have an autoimmune problem. Doctors and conventional medicine are not addressing my autoimmune problem. My immune system is seriously, seriously pissed off. Something is pissing it off. It is this something that is causing me to feel like crap, not necessarily diabetes or hypothyroidism. They are fancy symptoms of the larger something. If someone could tell me, succinctly, that they could help me stop the something (and it'd be nice if they actually had a quantifiable success rate) I would be totally on board. But I'm so not feeling the 50 herbal supplements and not eating pears. Maybe I'm just whining about no magic bullet again, but seriously guys. I am so tired of autoimmune disease. I am tired of feeling 105 when I am 25. I want someone to figure this stuff out already.

I want to be able to go into my doctor's office and tell her, "Doc, I don't feel so good" and instead of having her go, "Hm, well, your TSH is fine and your A1C is fine so...? What do you want me to do with you?" I want her to go, "Yeah, you are suffering from autoimmune disease and we should really start doing something about that instead of putting fancy bandaids on your fancy symptoms." I have a feeling that's about as likely as a cure for diabetes in the next five to ten years. So instead when she asks me how I'm doing I'm just going to say, "Okay." And then I'm going to ask for updated prescriptions for my diabetes supplies and my Synthroid and come home and feel like crap some more.

Maybe I'm blaming my garden-variety kinda depression on autoimmune disease, though, and instead of my endo I really need to see a therapist. :{ Not another doctor...!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

TSH = 5.77

My birthday present to myself is hypothyroidism. (Actual diagnosis date 2/17/09.) My Hashimoto's thyroiditis finally kicked in full force...after a postpartum bought of hyperthyroidism, I'm at the other end. Burn out and then fade away, right? My Synthroid prescription is in the mail and I've got Living Well With Hypothyroidism on my Amazon wishlist. I am extremely tired, but I didn't really notice being distinctly MORE tired than usual. I've been exhausted since late May of 2008. So what else is new.

I don't know if I'm super bummed out or not. Maybe a little nervous is more like it. Compared to Type 1 diabetes this additional physical failing of mine is a walk in the park, but still. It's another autoimmune issue. I hope this is the last "thing" I get as far as me it's such a red flag. We spend so much energy talking about a cure for diabetes. What we really need is a cure for immune systems run amok. Knocking on wood against lupus, M.S., arthritis...the list is long and scary.

So. I've survived a quarter of a century (thank you, modern medicine?) and I've got two autoimmune diseases under my belt. Guess I'll just keep rolling with the punches. What other choice do I have?

Saturday, February 14, 2009


So, it is has happened to me. My seventh anniversary with Type I diabetes will be on March 31, 2009. How can I sum up my feelings on diabetes right now?

I don't give a shit.

I can't really think of another way to put it. I guess I could use more flowery language but I'd rather just say what is on my mind. Don't. Give. A. Shiiiiiittttttttttt.

Do I feel guilty? Only when I consider the possibility that I could get pregnant and the fact that I have a child who depends on me to you know, be his mom. I should maintain my formerly high(ish) standards of self-care for my son, if not for nothing or no one else. He deserves for me to be around for a little while.

I'm still testing, I'm still bolusing, I'm still making and keeping my endocrinologist appointments. But the emotional investment? The motivation to really care about the numbers that blip up on the meter screen? I feel nothing more than a momentary twinge when I'm high. Correction bolus, move on. Maybe to some this would signify a healthy state of mind but to me I feel like I've totally checked out.

It's been a rough while since I last posted in August, which I am sure explains my apathy for all the micromanaging diabetic bullshit that happens to me every day of my life. My grandmother and father both died in October -- one death a mixed blessing, the other a tragedy for my family. I miss my father with a physical, mental, and emotional ache that nothing else in my life has ever touched for sheer I CAN'T STAND THIS MAKE IT GO AWAY PLEASE RIGHT NOWness. I do stand it, though. I don't want to. I can't tell what stage of grieving I am in at any given moment and it doesn't really matter, right. I just want him back. I remember so many little details of my life with him and am horrified by my loss, even moreso by his loss of life...and then further horrified when I contemplate the fact that one day my memories will dim. All those platitudes about how one day it won't hurt so much? One day I'll be able to think of Dad with a smile? Sure, I get it intellectually but right now so unhelpful.

I'm not incapacitated by grief, but it sure has a way of making the world all grey and fuzzy. My son is a spark of happiness of course. I don't feel bad about revolving 99.99999% of my thoughts and my days around him right now. He (finally) started sleeping more than two hours at a time by 6.5 months. I am so blessed. I had forgotten what it was like to be a human being. We decided to try "crying it out" but the first night we tried he wouldn't cry long enough for us to do the ole Ferber method.

I'm still meaning to do a post on diabetes and motherhood whenever the mood to be lighthearted and wordy strikes. I wish I had kept this blog up a little better, if only to have a detailed record of what I was thinking back when my life was still normal. All in all I have to say diabetic motherhood has been easier than I expected, but that might be because infants are relatively easy to care for (once you get past the newbie uncertainty). I've lost a huge portion of my me time, but it's still easy to test when the baby isn't mobile yet. Holding a baby in one arm and fiddling with a test kit in the other isn't so easy though. Jason loves to grab at the lancing device and attempt to give it a good mouthing. Argh!

Topics I want to touch on...
  • inheritability of diabetes (or the crème de la crème of Mommy Guilt)
  • breastfeeding (and how it has been awesome for my blood sugars)
  • post-partum diabetes and health issues (insulin sensitivity, thyroiditis, taking time to care for one's self)
  • relating to mothers without chronic illness (not a rant, promise)