Okay, no clown. But something is keeping me up. Perhaps the small ape in my stow-match.
This whole third trimester insomnia thing is pretty disheartening. I'm on maternity leave. I'm supposed to reesssstttt. I'm supposed to take it eeeeeeasy. I'm supposed to do enjoyable, low-key activities during the day that I will never* have the opportunity to do again (*never = until my child is a sentient being). I'm supposed to be totally chill.
Instead I have spent most nights for the past two weeks either waking up every two hours with a contraction or a "full" bladder, or both, or just plain not feeling sleepy until well after three in the morning. I suspect my sleep cycle is royally messed up at this point, and I'm freaking myself out as I feel my energy stores depleting. Do I really want to go into labor as a zombie just because watching the last half-hour of Fatal Attraction seemed more interesting to my body and mind than sleep?
I guess I don't really have a choice. I'll lay there and start feeling RLS-y. Twitch, jerk, change positions. Mind racing about fifty stupid or not-so-stupid things. Then I'll wonder if my blood sugar is okay, making up hypo symptoms and holding my hands up to see if they're shaking. Maybe they're shaking. A little. So I'll test. It's fine. Thirty minutes later I'll feel like something's going on, so I'll test again. And it's the same number. And in another thirty minutes, the same number...at this point I am thinking a CGMS would've been cool, if only to ease this witching hour neurosis.
My diabetes has been pretty chill, actually. Not to say I haven't had my daily highs, but I can answer "good" truthfully when my docs ask how I'm doing (they do have an uncanny ability to pick the one day out of 7 that my fasting is 105 instead of 75 to ask me about that, though). I also got a sideways compliment -- not said directly to me, that is -- from a perinatologist on Friday. She had two residents or interns or whatevers observing my post-NST meeting with her.
Peri: "[to interns] She is Type I diabetic on insulin pump. [to me, banal Q&A about my blood sugars here]"
Intern: "mumble mumble hemoglobin A1C?"
Me: "I have it taken on a monthly basis by my endocrinologist, in addition to a fructosamine."
Peri: "Her A1Cs are quite good, in the 5s. We do not have many patients like this."
Heeeeey, did I just hear some encouragement from someone who isn't my husband or my endo? Really?
Okay, wishful thinking. But I'll pat myself on the back for the peri.
About 2.5 weeks until baby's proposed eviction date. Here's hoping I get some sleep between now and then.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Monday, May 26, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Officially harder.
Yep, okay, now diabetes is starting to suck. Or rather, my body's reaction to insulin is starting to suck. I may have to start making some diet changes (don't wanna) or figuring out trickier ways of dosing to get the post-prandials that my doctors -- and I -- want to see (more likely).
I'm in the third trimester. (FREAK OUT, no wait, WOOHOO, no wait, FREAK OUT, no wait, I'm tired.) Here's how things are going for me on a typical day:
Fasting blood sugar: Today, it was 72. FINALLY. That's after a week of steadily raising my basal rate overnight. The rest of the week? It was anywhere from 170 (ouch) to 85.
Breakfast: Yogurt and a piece of fruit, usually about 40g carbs. My I:C ratio is 1:5 right now. That works great for post-prandials, but sends me low by 11:00am. Good thing 11:00 = lunchtime. I still have to have a small snack, though, or I'll be feeling jittery.
Lunch: Usually about 75g carbs. 1:7 for my insulin, but ditto the lows by late afternoon. I don't mind eating all day to fight off the lows, but I wish I didn't feel like I have to. Messing with my basal doesn't seem to help, and messing with the I:C ratio means I'll be high at 1.5 or 2 hours post.
Dinner: Trying to cut back on carbs here, because although my 1 or 2 hour numbers look great...those 3, 4, and 5 hours? Those suck. I'll be 85 at 2 hours and 160 at 3. Or 100 at 1 hour and 200 at 4. Or 47 at 1 hour and 60 at 2 hours and then 150 at 2 am. What the. Doesn't seem to matter if I eat low fat or high fat, so I'm guessing it's a basal issue (and of course overbolusing into a low never helps when it comes to rebound highs). I'm steadily raising the evening basal here, but I may need to start doing a temp basal of 120% or so after I eat to nip the highs hours later in the bud.
Overnight: Yeah, see dinner. I've gotten up at 1, 2, and 4 am on different days of the week to see what's going on...I'm around 100-140 overnight, which isn't acceptable.
My basal needs changed FAST, guys. And I feel like I'll have just gotten it figured out for a week and it'll change again, no doubt. Argh!
I'm in the third trimester. (FREAK OUT, no wait, WOOHOO, no wait, FREAK OUT, no wait, I'm tired.) Here's how things are going for me on a typical day:
Fasting blood sugar: Today, it was 72. FINALLY. That's after a week of steadily raising my basal rate overnight. The rest of the week? It was anywhere from 170 (ouch) to 85.
Breakfast: Yogurt and a piece of fruit, usually about 40g carbs. My I:C ratio is 1:5 right now. That works great for post-prandials, but sends me low by 11:00am. Good thing 11:00 = lunchtime. I still have to have a small snack, though, or I'll be feeling jittery.
Lunch: Usually about 75g carbs. 1:7 for my insulin, but ditto the lows by late afternoon. I don't mind eating all day to fight off the lows, but I wish I didn't feel like I have to. Messing with my basal doesn't seem to help, and messing with the I:C ratio means I'll be high at 1.5 or 2 hours post.
Dinner: Trying to cut back on carbs here, because although my 1 or 2 hour numbers look great...those 3, 4, and 5 hours? Those suck. I'll be 85 at 2 hours and 160 at 3. Or 100 at 1 hour and 200 at 4. Or 47 at 1 hour and 60 at 2 hours and then 150 at 2 am. What the. Doesn't seem to matter if I eat low fat or high fat, so I'm guessing it's a basal issue (and of course overbolusing into a low never helps when it comes to rebound highs). I'm steadily raising the evening basal here, but I may need to start doing a temp basal of 120% or so after I eat to nip the highs hours later in the bud.
Overnight: Yeah, see dinner. I've gotten up at 1, 2, and 4 am on different days of the week to see what's going on...I'm around 100-140 overnight, which isn't acceptable.
My basal needs changed FAST, guys. And I feel like I'll have just gotten it figured out for a week and it'll change again, no doubt. Argh!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
You know you are pregnant when . . .
this news story makes you want to cry at work. :D
In diabetic news, my A1C drawn yesterday was a 5.6. This makes me feel a little better in light of the gruff tone my perinatologist took with me when I told him my fasting blood sugars have been running 90 - 110 recently. (I'm working on it.) "They should be 70 to 85!" Sigh. Darn those 10 - 30 points!
I think one of the hardest things so far in my pregnancy has been balancing my natural, pregnant-lady urge to eat, eat, eat constantly with the requirements of my disease. A neverending, niggling hunger is settled into the pit of my stomach. I haven't gained much weight at all so far, but I can't satisfy my desire for food without suffering some blood sugar consequences. Last night I had a 194 at 2 am, which was probably a rebound high caused by a 47 at 11 pm. The 47 was because I had a half cup of ice cream around 10 pm and overbolused big time. If I indulge my cravings I have to be super zealous about making sure everything comes out all right in the end . . . but it just can't be perfect all of the time. I understand that, but it doesn't stop the flood of MOMMY GUILT. I keep thinking...just 90 more days. This pregnancy isn't 100% about me, it's also about my baby, and I have to do right by him. Maybe I should just lock myself in a closet filled with celery and call it good until June.
In diabetic news, my A1C drawn yesterday was a 5.6. This makes me feel a little better in light of the gruff tone my perinatologist took with me when I told him my fasting blood sugars have been running 90 - 110 recently. (I'm working on it.) "They should be 70 to 85!" Sigh. Darn those 10 - 30 points!
I think one of the hardest things so far in my pregnancy has been balancing my natural, pregnant-lady urge to eat, eat, eat constantly with the requirements of my disease. A neverending, niggling hunger is settled into the pit of my stomach. I haven't gained much weight at all so far, but I can't satisfy my desire for food without suffering some blood sugar consequences. Last night I had a 194 at 2 am, which was probably a rebound high caused by a 47 at 11 pm. The 47 was because I had a half cup of ice cream around 10 pm and overbolused big time. If I indulge my cravings I have to be super zealous about making sure everything comes out all right in the end . . . but it just can't be perfect all of the time. I understand that, but it doesn't stop the flood of MOMMY GUILT. I keep thinking...just 90 more days. This pregnancy isn't 100% about me, it's also about my baby, and I have to do right by him. Maybe I should just lock myself in a closet filled with celery and call it good until June.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Back and babbling on as usual!
So, a long overdue update. Why haven't I been here?
Welp, I found out that I was pregnant about a month after I made this post. October 12, 2007, to be exact. According to my perinatologist, I am 20 weeks pregnant today. Due date June 17, 2007. It only took us two months of active trying, and trust me, we're still shocked. (Happy! But totally flabbergasted.) I stepped back from the blog because it was accessible by people at work, and I didn't end up telling my manager until about a month ago. Now that the Ricola man has practically yodeled my pregnancy from the mountaintops, I feel it's safe to blab on the blog again ;)
I should probably make a post about how hard it has been to be diabetic and pregnant, but the truth is I haven't experienced serious insulin resistance yet. I did have some Fun With LowsTM during the first trimester; enough fun that I joked about hooking up to a juice box as well as my pump. This past week has brought a few changes and challenges, but so far it hasn't been anything that's made me want to tear my hair out. As an example, if anything I have upped my carb intake and my last A1C, drawn on the 14th, was a 4.5. That is just utterly and completely whack. I've heard it said that A1C measurements are not as reliable during pregnancy (if they are ever reliable in the first place), but the fact that I'm a whole 2 points lower than when I first conceived is remarkable to me. I would have been happy to be in the 6s throughout my pregnancy. I don't feel like my efforts have been Herculean, and for that I'm thankful - I hope my baby is still reaping the benefits of lower numbers. I test about 10 times a day, and I catch at least one high and one low per day. Most of these highs have been easy and quick to get down, but of course I'm already experiencing mommy guilt about the ones that weren't so easy.
The mommy guilt. That's what I really wanted to write about. I read a comment on diabetesmine.com today that made me so angry. Angry enough to rehash in tedious detail on my own blog! I wasn't angry at the commenter, but I was immediately on the defensive at the idea her comment suggested, at the possibilities it raised.
The commenter said that she would be happy to see the Type I gene disappear, and that she intended to adopt her children rather than pass on her genes. (She has an immediate family member with Type I as well as herself.)
My first reaction is that that's a very noble choice to make, if you are able and willing to adopt. I'm not just talking financial resources, although that's probably #1 for most people - but y'know China won't allow Type I diabetics to adopt even if they are willing. That thought tied into what really irks me about not passing on "the Type I gene." It's that there's this assumption of inferiority. And since Type Is are inferior, we should not raise children. We certainly shouldn't be reproducing, passing on our inferior genes. Hey, maybe diabetics should be prevented from having kids, full stop. And while we're at it, throw in all those folks with cystic fibrosis or autism or whatever particular flavor of the week we feel like eliminating. Why spend all that money on a cure when we could just have a little eugenics party?
That belief terrifies me and pulls up a bunch of yammering Big Brothers in my mind. GATTACA, anyone?
I think my bottom line is that I would rather my child live with diabetes than live a in world that resembles Winston Smith's or Vincent Freeman's; a world where the privilege of having children and a full, happy life is extended only to those with valid, or superior, genes . . . a world where there's a Big Brother deciding what valid is and what's best for each individual.
Would I have made the choice to get pregnant if I had a strong family history of diabetes? (I am the only person in my family with an autoimmune disease - and I'm extending that statement out to cousins, aunts, uncles. I do have a family history of heart disease, and to a lesser extent, cancer.) I don't know where I draw my lines, but as someone living with diabetes I still don't feel that I have the right to pass judgment on the reproductive choices of others. Maybe my mind is making some sort of arbitrary categorization of diseases. "Well, if I had that disease, I wouldn't have kids. But for diabetes it's okay." Is that because I have diabetes? Is it because that disease is so much worse, or more deadly, or more painful?
My gut says it's because it doesn't make sense to live in fear of diabetes. Yes, the world would be a better place without diabetes - but I don't think diabetes is going to disappear because diabetics stop having children. Scary genetic mishaps are in all of us, diabetic or not, and genetic mishaps are not the sole cause of diabetes. Diabetes does have a genetic component; for some this is more true than others. But me, with my random lightning bolt on an otherwise sunny day . . . why should I allow that one event to control my life any more than it already has?
That could be interpreted as me being hellaciously selfish. I can't apologize if you see it that way; my baby is healthy, today, as am I. I'm enjoying the rest of my sunny day, and I hope that others also seize the opportunity to enjoy theirs. I know that life is a privilege and not a right, but I don't feel that the privilege given to me should be cut down to an acceptable shape by a someone else's labels and levels and judgments of what is or is not good enough.
I promise the rest of my pregnancy posts won't be as dark or muddled. (Well, they will probably still be muddled.) I am very happy with my life right now; new home, new baby on the way. Tons and tons and TONS of stuff rattling around in my mind about the future, from paint colors to cribs to more nebulous events and concepts like impending birth and motherhood. Can't wait for any of it!
Level II ultrasound is tomorrow. Send an urge to flash to my child, if you would be so kind :D
Welp, I found out that I was pregnant about a month after I made this post. October 12, 2007, to be exact. According to my perinatologist, I am 20 weeks pregnant today. Due date June 17, 2007. It only took us two months of active trying, and trust me, we're still shocked. (Happy! But totally flabbergasted.) I stepped back from the blog because it was accessible by people at work, and I didn't end up telling my manager until about a month ago. Now that the Ricola man has practically yodeled my pregnancy from the mountaintops, I feel it's safe to blab on the blog again ;)
I should probably make a post about how hard it has been to be diabetic and pregnant, but the truth is I haven't experienced serious insulin resistance yet. I did have some Fun With LowsTM during the first trimester; enough fun that I joked about hooking up to a juice box as well as my pump. This past week has brought a few changes and challenges, but so far it hasn't been anything that's made me want to tear my hair out. As an example, if anything I have upped my carb intake and my last A1C, drawn on the 14th, was a 4.5. That is just utterly and completely whack. I've heard it said that A1C measurements are not as reliable during pregnancy (if they are ever reliable in the first place), but the fact that I'm a whole 2 points lower than when I first conceived is remarkable to me. I would have been happy to be in the 6s throughout my pregnancy. I don't feel like my efforts have been Herculean, and for that I'm thankful - I hope my baby is still reaping the benefits of lower numbers. I test about 10 times a day, and I catch at least one high and one low per day. Most of these highs have been easy and quick to get down, but of course I'm already experiencing mommy guilt about the ones that weren't so easy.
The mommy guilt. That's what I really wanted to write about. I read a comment on diabetesmine.com today that made me so angry. Angry enough to rehash in tedious detail on my own blog! I wasn't angry at the commenter, but I was immediately on the defensive at the idea her comment suggested, at the possibilities it raised.
The commenter said that she would be happy to see the Type I gene disappear, and that she intended to adopt her children rather than pass on her genes. (She has an immediate family member with Type I as well as herself.)
My first reaction is that that's a very noble choice to make, if you are able and willing to adopt. I'm not just talking financial resources, although that's probably #1 for most people - but y'know China won't allow Type I diabetics to adopt even if they are willing. That thought tied into what really irks me about not passing on "the Type I gene." It's that there's this assumption of inferiority. And since Type Is are inferior, we should not raise children. We certainly shouldn't be reproducing, passing on our inferior genes. Hey, maybe diabetics should be prevented from having kids, full stop. And while we're at it, throw in all those folks with cystic fibrosis or autism or whatever particular flavor of the week we feel like eliminating. Why spend all that money on a cure when we could just have a little eugenics party?
That belief terrifies me and pulls up a bunch of yammering Big Brothers in my mind. GATTACA, anyone?
I think my bottom line is that I would rather my child live with diabetes than live a in world that resembles Winston Smith's or Vincent Freeman's; a world where the privilege of having children and a full, happy life is extended only to those with valid, or superior, genes . . . a world where there's a Big Brother deciding what valid is and what's best for each individual.
Would I have made the choice to get pregnant if I had a strong family history of diabetes? (I am the only person in my family with an autoimmune disease - and I'm extending that statement out to cousins, aunts, uncles. I do have a family history of heart disease, and to a lesser extent, cancer.) I don't know where I draw my lines, but as someone living with diabetes I still don't feel that I have the right to pass judgment on the reproductive choices of others. Maybe my mind is making some sort of arbitrary categorization of diseases. "Well, if I had that disease, I wouldn't have kids. But for diabetes it's okay." Is that because I have diabetes? Is it because that disease is so much worse, or more deadly, or more painful?
My gut says it's because it doesn't make sense to live in fear of diabetes. Yes, the world would be a better place without diabetes - but I don't think diabetes is going to disappear because diabetics stop having children. Scary genetic mishaps are in all of us, diabetic or not, and genetic mishaps are not the sole cause of diabetes. Diabetes does have a genetic component; for some this is more true than others. But me, with my random lightning bolt on an otherwise sunny day . . . why should I allow that one event to control my life any more than it already has?
That could be interpreted as me being hellaciously selfish. I can't apologize if you see it that way; my baby is healthy, today, as am I. I'm enjoying the rest of my sunny day, and I hope that others also seize the opportunity to enjoy theirs. I know that life is a privilege and not a right, but I don't feel that the privilege given to me should be cut down to an acceptable shape by a someone else's labels and levels and judgments of what is or is not good enough.
I promise the rest of my pregnancy posts won't be as dark or muddled. (Well, they will probably still be muddled.) I am very happy with my life right now; new home, new baby on the way. Tons and tons and TONS of stuff rattling around in my mind about the future, from paint colors to cribs to more nebulous events and concepts like impending birth and motherhood. Can't wait for any of it!
Level II ultrasound is tomorrow. Send an urge to flash to my child, if you would be so kind :D
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