Burnout

So, it is has happened to me. My seventh anniversary with Type I diabetes will be on March 31, 2009. How can I sum up my feelings on diabetes right now?

I don't give a shit.

I can't really think of another way to put it. I guess I could use more flowery language but I'd rather just say what is on my mind. Don't. Give. A. Shiiiiiittttttttttt.

Do I feel guilty? Only when I consider the possibility that I could get pregnant and the fact that I have a child who depends on me to you know, be his mom. I should maintain my formerly high(ish) standards of self-care for my son, if not for nothing or no one else. He deserves for me to be around for a little while.

I'm still testing, I'm still bolusing, I'm still making and keeping my endocrinologist appointments. But the emotional investment? The motivation to really care about the numbers that blip up on the meter screen? I feel nothing more than a momentary twinge when I'm high. Correction bolus, move on. Maybe to some this would signify a healthy state of mind but to me I feel like I've totally checked out.

It's been a rough while since I last posted in August, which I am sure explains my apathy for all the micromanaging diabetic bullshit that happens to me every day of my life. My grandmother and father both died in October -- one death a mixed blessing, the other a tragedy for my family. I miss my father with a physical, mental, and emotional ache that nothing else in my life has ever touched for sheer I CAN'T STAND THIS MAKE IT GO AWAY PLEASE RIGHT NOWness. I do stand it, though. I don't want to. I can't tell what stage of grieving I am in at any given moment and it doesn't really matter, right. I just want him back. I remember so many little details of my life with him and am horrified by my loss, even moreso by his loss of life...and then further horrified when I contemplate the fact that one day my memories will dim. All those platitudes about how one day it won't hurt so much? One day I'll be able to think of Dad with a smile? Sure, I get it intellectually but right now so unhelpful.

I'm not incapacitated by grief, but it sure has a way of making the world all grey and fuzzy. My son is a spark of happiness of course. I don't feel bad about revolving 99.99999% of my thoughts and my days around him right now. He (finally) started sleeping more than two hours at a time by 6.5 months. I am so blessed. I had forgotten what it was like to be a human being. We decided to try "crying it out" but the first night we tried he wouldn't cry long enough for us to do the ole Ferber method.

I'm still meaning to do a post on diabetes and motherhood whenever the mood to be lighthearted and wordy strikes. I wish I had kept this blog up a little better, if only to have a detailed record of what I was thinking back when my life was still normal. All in all I have to say diabetic motherhood has been easier than I expected, but that might be because infants are relatively easy to care for (once you get past the newbie uncertainty). I've lost a huge portion of my me time, but it's still easy to test when the baby isn't mobile yet. Holding a baby in one arm and fiddling with a test kit in the other isn't so easy though. Jason loves to grab at the lancing device and attempt to give it a good mouthing. Argh!

Topics I want to touch on...

• inheritability of diabetes (or the crème de la crème of Mommy Guilt)
• breastfeeding (and how it has been awesome for my blood sugars)
• post-partum diabetes and health issues (insulin sensitivity, thyroiditis, taking time to care for one's self)
• relating to mothers without chronic illness (not a rant, promise)

Highs and lows of a different sort

No, I didn't die in childbirth...but I have neglected my blog in favor of keeping a small human alive. I figure in the battle of blog versus baby, baby should always win.

Introducing . . .

Jason Patrick
June 4, 2008
8 lbs 3 oz
21 inches long

Here's a picture of Jase when he was 2 weeks old. He is infinitely huger at this point, but still amazingly cute.

I have promised myself that I will eventually write up a birth story to record all the ins and outs, but for the sake of staying on topic here's a quick summary of things I learned about diabetes during my stay at the hospital:

• Not eating anything once you are admitted is annoying. I had to sneak a few juice boxes overnight (note to medical staff: I didn't die).
  
• Sugar-free Jell-o is not a guarantee; it is a gift from the heavens, much like manna. But less carbs than manna, I'm pretty sure.
  
• Yes, labor is intense, but no, I didn't need to reduce my basals to 30%. Apparently not all diabetics need a dextrose drip! Glad I got out of that one.
  
• Running 130-160 during labor will not necessarily give your baby a low blood sugar. So stop freaking out. (Jason's first sugar was 47, normal for a newborn.)
  
• No, just because the placenta was out doesn't mean I needed to lower my basal rates. I was in the 300s for the first day following delivery until I finally wised up and realized that in my case, I still needed a significant amount of insulin.
  
• Waiting to nurse your baby just because the nurse wants to take his fasting blood sugar is stupid. Why would I want to delay a feeding and cause blood sugar issues just so a chart looks pretty?
  
• Hospital food is AWFUL, both on the blood sugars and on the palate. Bleh!
  

I'll definitely write more later about what it's been like to be a new mom with Type I diabetes. I can honestly say that diabetes barely pings on my radar these days, unless whacky numbers cause me to lose sleep. It's kind of nice to clear my brain of the constant diabetes chatter.