And now my hair smells like an ashtray!

Diabetic conundrum #728: do you bolus 20-30 min before the food to avoid the blood sugar spike, or do you wait until the food is prepared and ready to eat before you bolus? There're downfalls to both.

If you don't pre-bolus, your blood sugar won't be as stable (assuming you're not yet a Symlin guru). If you don't wait until the food is ready, you're loadin' up on hormone with no guaranteed sugar for it to squirrel away in your cells. Use whichever cliche you like...counting chickens before they hatch...there's no such thing as a sure thing...

Tonight I decided to watch some Gilmore Girls from the lonesomeness of my hotel room. Despite the lonesomeness the room is one of the best I've stayed in this year (Marriott Residence Inn in Plainview, NY). This is proven by the complimentary bag of popcorn sitting in the kitchenette. DVD, popcorn, you know the rest. I haven't cooked popcorn in . . . probably over 5 years. I don't eat the stuff much; every once in a while I'll have it at the theater, but popcorn has no real place in my life except for spur of the moment Gilmore Girls in a hotel room moments.

So anyways, I carefully examined the carb count on the back of the back. Bolused for 40g worth of carb. Noted the "do not overcook - popcorn will scorch" warning.

Guess who scorched the fucking popcorn. Just call me Mrs. Cleaver!

I'm now two dollars lighter and had to consume snack-stand carbs that came in the form of Kellogg's "Soft Batch" chocolate chip cookies (which I give a C- for "carbs worth eating" value).

I'm looking forward to my flight home tomorrow. Long Island has been rainy, cold, and full of greasy food. Probably not a fair assessment as I'm just growing sicker of my job and I didn't exactly come here on a pleasure jaunt. I even told a senior on my team that I was probably definitely maybe possibly thinking of quitting soon sometime in the near future presently. He seems like a cool guy and has his head on straight, but I don't know if it's kosher to go around babbling about how dissatisfied you are to all of your coworkers. To be fair, he brought it up - a discussion about the culture of the American people vs the Australian people (who are becoming scarily Americanized . . . an unstoppable world trend, unfortunately).

In other news, the anniversary of my diagnosis was last Saturday and I completely forgot to celebrate or be morose about it until today. I've had a major spill in the endocrine and immune aisles for five years now, friends and neighbors, with no pimply stockboy wielding a mop in sight. The first thought that sprung to mind when I calculated the time was that I'm probably no longer considered "newly diagnosed." My diabetes would probably not be reversible at this point, if they figured out a way to save the folks who still have feebly kicking pancreases. Maybe mine is totally done now.

Diabetes seemed to be swirling around me very publicly this week for some strange reason, so I guess it was inevitable that I started to dwell on it. Aforementioned coworker (from my hypoglycemic post) announced to more than one client and coworker this week that I had diabetes - I chimed in after her PSA and explained about how I had no limitations yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. I guess I should've been annoyed at her but to be honest, I wasn't. I had only a split second of put-on-the-spotitude at each occasion and I was only outed because of the damn "low reservoir" alarms. I've never been a pump hider, and I'd be only too happy to explain ZE TRUTH if confronted with ignorance.

I think I'll throw myself a belated d-anniversary party. With BROWNIES!

Stagnant

I feel like my diabetes management is standing still right now. I don't think I'm doing awful, but I'm not expecting much change from the 6.8 A1C I had a couple of months ago. My next appointment is in May. I'm actually more concerned about my cholesterol reading - I suppose I'm just dreading getting into an argument about whether or not I need to be placed on statins.

Nothing really remarkable, but I'll remark anyway. I'm not eating as well as I could be. If I have bad blood sugars they are almost always related to something I'm shoveling in my mouth that I really didn't need to eat. And I bet it's not making my cholesterol go down. Maybe I'm just slightly depressed or out of it these days because I'm unhappy at work. (And since work is most of your life, I guess I'm unhappy most of the time.) Maybe my whole LIFE is just standing still.

Sometimes my fasting is fine. Sometimes it's not. I can't seem to nail down a pattern. Last night I went to bed with a 91, and woke up at 143. Bleh. The other day I went to bed at 198 with a correction bolus, and woke up at 81. So maybe 198 is better to sleep on, ha. Anyway that's not a typical pattern. I feel bored when I think about it, but I'd rather be interested!

Where I'd really like to be diabetes-wise is getting my A1C as close to 6.0 or under. To be exercising regularly, too. I want to prepare to have a child, but I'm having trouble finding the motivation to finish my damn state taxes let alone keep detailed blood sugar records. Doesn't help that I have two states to file taxes for, either. (Thanks again, job.)

I wish I had the guts to do what everyone else says - if you aren't happy, say see ya! Not that easy when there's health insurance, a wedding to pay for, and everything else on the horizon.

Oh, I did confirm that business traveling and blood sugars aren't friends. I've been on the road since March 6 - first in Dallas and then in Indianapolis. Vacation travel is different because I'm up and walking around, being active . . . and feeling really happy, which usually has a positive effect on blood sugars. Business travel I'm exhausted. I sit around in an inadequate office all day. I eat a lunch with clients. I go back to the office and sit around. Stress. I have a big dinner. Per diem, baby! I go back to the hotel and lay around watching Gilmore Girls reruns and trying not to give into cravings to go to the vending machine and get a huge effing Snickers bar. I can't survive on salads all damn week, and even if I did, it's not a guarantee of level blood sugars.

At least I'm home for a couple of weeks now . . . and something to celebrate: I'm getting new glasses tonight! "I can SEE, it's a MIRACLE!" :)

My Job and Diabetes

This is a timely post as yesterday I had "The Departure Talk" with my performance manager. I'm in my first job out of university . . . I work at a Big 4 corporate tax firm, and boy has it been a show. 60+ hours a week during the busy season (after my mandatory hours were upped unexpectedly from 40 to 50 from September to January . . . hear that whistling sound? Yeah, it's my salary dropping. No, we are not compensated for overtime. MAYBE you'll get a bonus! Wow!) In addition to the crazy hours and multiple bosses asking you if you're done with those memos yet, the 25% local travel quoted to me during my interviews looks more like 50%+ and it's all over the country. Or wherever else the client is. For weeks or months at a time.

I feel like a wimp, but here's my beef. Even before I was diagnosed with the big D, I was a homebody. I never wanted a high falutin' high powered corporate job. I accepted this position only after expressly asking several people about hours & travel and was assured that it was a steady, predictable job . . . okay, I thought, diabetes won't be an issue at all then. My first week on the job, one of my superiors asked me if I was ready to go to Minnesota and North Carolina. I must've given her the googly eye face - I was genuinely shocked. I thought, okay, I'll stick it out. So eight months later here I am, and I still hate my life! Ha. I can't see it getting easier as I gain more and more responsibility and knowledge.

One of my major "selling" points in asking for either reduced hours and travel OR for an exit interview is that I physically can't handle this. I struggle with feeling like a phoney, though. I CAN handle it . . . but I feel like I'm doing myself a great disservice. Despite testing ten times a day and doing my best to make wise choices on the road, my A1C has still crept from a 6.1 to a 6.9. I know that's not a huge leap, but it's a move in the wrong direction and I know stress is involved. I'm so $*#&ing tired all of the time. All I think about is work and carbs, and my marriage is starting to go. I feel like the diabetes should be my major stressor, not diabetes AND my job AND my marriage AND whatever else life brings. What about when I want to have children? Diabetic pregnancy and this job . . . I shudder to think.

Then that said, I know there are tons and tons of people with diabetes out there who have stressful jobs, or jobs that require them to go "above and beyond." And people have fought for so long to show others that they are capable and employable and that diabetes doesn't hold them back . . . but don't we have to be honest sometimes?

Diabetes makes a hard job harder. I see the physical impact it has on my coworkers who are seemingly "healthy" and I feel like I'm working myself into an early grave despite my best efforts. I guess I'm trying to deal with what I feel is right for me and the guilt I feel on behalf of anyone with a disability . . . I know I am a great employee but I also want to respect the seriousness of my disease.

I guess I have to be my own advocate. I'd be willing to settle for less money if I could have peace of mind and peace of body.