Saturday, February 14, 2009

Burnout

So, it is has happened to me. My seventh anniversary with Type I diabetes will be on March 31, 2009. How can I sum up my feelings on diabetes right now?

I don't give a shit.

I can't really think of another way to put it. I guess I could use more flowery language but I'd rather just say what is on my mind. Don't. Give. A. Shiiiiiittttttttttt.

Do I feel guilty? Only when I consider the possibility that I could get pregnant and the fact that I have a child who depends on me to you know, be his mom. I should maintain my formerly high(ish) standards of self-care for my son, if not for nothing or no one else. He deserves for me to be around for a little while.

I'm still testing, I'm still bolusing, I'm still making and keeping my endocrinologist appointments. But the emotional investment? The motivation to really care about the numbers that blip up on the meter screen? I feel nothing more than a momentary twinge when I'm high. Correction bolus, move on. Maybe to some this would signify a healthy state of mind but to me I feel like I've totally checked out.

It's been a rough while since I last posted in August, which I am sure explains my apathy for all the micromanaging diabetic bullshit that happens to me every day of my life. My grandmother and father both died in October -- one death a mixed blessing, the other a tragedy for my family. I miss my father with a physical, mental, and emotional ache that nothing else in my life has ever touched for sheer I CAN'T STAND THIS MAKE IT GO AWAY PLEASE RIGHT NOWness. I do stand it, though. I don't want to. I can't tell what stage of grieving I am in at any given moment and it doesn't really matter, right. I just want him back. I remember so many little details of my life with him and am horrified by my loss, even moreso by his loss of life...and then further horrified when I contemplate the fact that one day my memories will dim. All those platitudes about how one day it won't hurt so much? One day I'll be able to think of Dad with a smile? Sure, I get it intellectually but right now so unhelpful.

I'm not incapacitated by grief, but it sure has a way of making the world all grey and fuzzy. My son is a spark of happiness of course. I don't feel bad about revolving 99.99999% of my thoughts and my days around him right now. He (finally) started sleeping more than two hours at a time by 6.5 months. I am so blessed. I had forgotten what it was like to be a human being. We decided to try "crying it out" but the first night we tried he wouldn't cry long enough for us to do the ole Ferber method.

I'm still meaning to do a post on diabetes and motherhood whenever the mood to be lighthearted and wordy strikes. I wish I had kept this blog up a little better, if only to have a detailed record of what I was thinking back when my life was still normal. All in all I have to say diabetic motherhood has been easier than I expected, but that might be because infants are relatively easy to care for (once you get past the newbie uncertainty). I've lost a huge portion of my me time, but it's still easy to test when the baby isn't mobile yet. Holding a baby in one arm and fiddling with a test kit in the other isn't so easy though. Jason loves to grab at the lancing device and attempt to give it a good mouthing. Argh!

Topics I want to touch on...
  • inheritability of diabetes (or the crème de la crème of Mommy Guilt)
  • breastfeeding (and how it has been awesome for my blood sugars)
  • post-partum diabetes and health issues (insulin sensitivity, thyroiditis, taking time to care for one's self)
  • relating to mothers without chronic illness (not a rant, promise)

6 comments:

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Kendra,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mom a few years ago, and you are right, it is a tragic blow and very difficult to heal from.

I think that with all of that going on, it is probably alright to feel the way you do, especially about your diabetes management.

Hang in there, the storm will pass.

Kendra said...

Thanks, Scott. I think you would truly "get it" -- my endo can only nod sympathetically (and then probably secretly judge me for falling off the wagon). ;)

Colleen said...

Dear Kendra,
I also just lost my dad, and it's not easy.
Your diabetes will be ok, sounds like you have it under control and your son will defintely help you keep things in order.

Kendra said...

Thank you, Colleen. I am so sorry you have lost your father as well. Take care.

aredcardigan said...

Kendo....I know it's been rough at times and I do think of ya about this...but I know what you are made of...it just seems like the abyss sometimes but we will all pull through this together...good and bad!

Babe you are so loved for and i know you....the universe will always help and care for ppl like you.

having said that...frustrations makes our life colorful and ack gonna get all cliche but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

and you know jase has the best mommy looking after him. seriously. the way u and the james's doppelganger are...hehehe ...JASE is one lucky baybeh!

and geez it's about time ya posted!

Kendra said...

Thank you! I know, I am one heck of a lazy blogger.