Can't sleep, clown'll eat me...

Okay, no clown. But something is keeping me up. Perhaps the small ape in my stow-match.

This whole third trimester insomnia thing is pretty disheartening. I'm on maternity leave. I'm supposed to reesssstttt. I'm supposed to take it eeeeeeasy. I'm supposed to do enjoyable, low-key activities during the day that I will never* have the opportunity to do again (*never = until my child is a sentient being). I'm supposed to be totally chill.

Instead I have spent most nights for the past two weeks either waking up every two hours with a contraction or a "full" bladder, or both, or just plain not feeling sleepy until well after three in the morning. I suspect my sleep cycle is royally messed up at this point, and I'm freaking myself out as I feel my energy stores depleting. Do I really want to go into labor as a zombie just because watching the last half-hour of Fatal Attraction seemed more interesting to my body and mind than sleep?

I guess I don't really have a choice. I'll lay there and start feeling RLS-y. Twitch, jerk, change positions. Mind racing about fifty stupid or not-so-stupid things. Then I'll wonder if my blood sugar is okay, making up hypo symptoms and holding my hands up to see if they're shaking. Maybe they're shaking. A little. So I'll test. It's fine. Thirty minutes later I'll feel like something's going on, so I'll test again. And it's the same number. And in another thirty minutes, the same number...at this point I am thinking a CGMS would've been cool, if only to ease this witching hour neurosis.

My diabetes has been pretty chill, actually. Not to say I haven't had my daily highs, but I can answer "good" truthfully when my docs ask how I'm doing (they do have an uncanny ability to pick the one day out of 7 that my fasting is 105 instead of 75 to ask me about that, though). I also got a sideways compliment -- not said directly to me, that is -- from a perinatologist on Friday. She had two residents or interns or whatevers observing my post-NST meeting with her.

Peri: "[to interns] She is Type I diabetic on insulin pump. [to me, banal Q&A about my blood sugars here]"
Intern: "mumble mumble hemoglobin A1C?"
Me: "I have it taken on a monthly basis by my endocrinologist, in addition to a fructosamine."
Peri: "Her A1Cs are quite good, in the 5s. We do not have many patients like this."

Heeeeey, did I just hear some encouragement from someone who isn't my husband or my endo? Really?

Okay, wishful thinking. But I'll pat myself on the back for the peri.

About 2.5 weeks until baby's proposed eviction date. Here's hoping I get some sleep between now and then.

NSTs are my favorite things ever.

As of Friday, May 16, 2008, I will be a free woman. At least from work. That's when the maternity leave starts.

But then looking at my calendar, not so free actually.

May 9, NST.
May 12, endocrinologist appointment.
May 13, NST.
May 14, my last childbirth preparation class (and my husband's birthday!)
May 16, NST.
May 20, NST.
May 23, NST.
May 27, NST.
May 30, NST.

Diabetes sure has a way of clogging your calendar. Those NSTs are happening twice a week until I give birth...NSTs are my LIFE. Oh yeah, and that birth thing? That's got a date, too -- June 10. I'm kind of hoping the baby decides to come on his own around 38 weeks or so. My biggest birth-related fear right now is that I will go in for a 39 week induction and my body will not be ready at all, and I'll end up with a c-section. My perinatologists did not do much to assuage this fear; I just got a staunch "You can not go past 39 weeks" reply. (Am not impressed with bedside manner of 3/4 of these docs, by the way.) If I'm already at the hospital twice a week for NSTs, why not bump those up in frequency and give my body some more time?

I'm hoping I'm worrying for nothing, and I am appreciative of the close monitoring, no matter how much unfun it is to lug my 8 months pregnant self all over the hospital campus twice a week. I still have to say though that as time goes on I am not impressed with this high risk practice. Yes, I have diabetes, but that doesn't mean I should be be treated as "one size fits all" -- as if I have had diabetes for 30 years and my A1C is 15 and my pregnancy has been difficult and horrible and the baby is on the verge of death at any minute.

I've had lots of confusing conversations like this:

Doctor, glancing at my chart for .2 seconds: "Oh, you're only a class B diabetic. That's great, you really have no complications! Everything is fine, see you next week!"
Me: "Wait, wait. So if I'm doing great, is there a possibility you'll let me go into labor on my own if everything looks fine with the baby and myself?"
Doctor: "NO WAY!!!!!111 PLACENTAL AGING!!111 FETAL DEATH!!111eleventy"
Me: "What about in the hospital? Can I get up and walk around some during the induction...?"
Doctor: "NO WAY, MUST LAY IN BED WHOLE TIME ON MONITORS!!11 FETAL DEATH!1111"

Holy crap. Maybe I should be more of a nervous wreck about this? I'd really rather not be, though. My endo seems very chill and has given me a lot of confidence.

Maybe it's not so much the high risk practice in particular as it is me getting tired of dealing with medical providers who aren't very well versed in diabetes, and therefore the care I receive is very rote, or totally over the top. They reads the book and they dos what the book says and that's all folks.

Bonus uplifting part of post --> BABY PICTURE!